My buddy Murch and I were going back and forth with some text messages the other night. Each of us happened to be enjoying a few drinks alone and we were discussing seven or eight different topics. I thought I'd share one particular thread as it turned out to be quite amusing:
8:01:22 pm - Me: How much is too much to drink alone? I'm thinking I'll have two Jim Rome's and then move on to a few Jim Beam & Diet Coke's.
8:01:36 pm - Murch: As long as you can pour them without spilling you're golden.
9:38:11 pm - Me: I just spilled but it was. Only a little.
9:38:37 pm - Murch: Spills only count if its the whole fucking glass.
There is a lot of awesomeness going on here. I love the fact that it took Murch only 14 seconds to read my text and reply with such wisdom. I was also very amused that in roughly an hour and a half I drank enough to start spilling and texting erratically. In particular I enjoyed the accidental period in the middle of my text at 9:38:11 pm. The topper for me was the rationale and well placed F-Bomb in Murch's final text. Upon reading it I definitely spit a little of my drink all over our computer.
Showing posts with label Whiskey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Whiskey. Show all posts
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
9 x Awesome:
It's the middle of winter, the weather sucks, the economy REALLY sucks, I think we are at war with one or more countries or people or ideas or something, I got a flat tire on the freeway last week at 6:55am on the way to work (super fun), and to top it all off the rapidly improving Sonics are still hijacked and playing in Oklahoma City.
"So what's your point Jerk Store" you ask?
My point is that it's pretty easy to feel a little down right now. Since being down sucks balls, here are some things that are awesome and are sure to improve your attitude:
- Play-doh - having a daughter has gotten me back into Play-doh and frankly I can't believe how awesome it is. To think it's been missing from my life for 20+ years saddens me. I also can't come up with a reason why we didn't have a big stash of Play-doh at our house in college. The thought of drunken Play-doh makes me giddy.
- March Madness - it's only January, yet I'm already getting excited for the NCAA Tournament.
- The Five Star Dump - this is a dump taken at work when you get the handicapped stall (star #1), the toilet paper has been put on correctly in an "over the top" fashion (star #2 and also a topic worthy of it's own post. Hmmm...), it's a nice comfortable and obviously diarrhea-less poo (star #3) and last but not least, you have a brand new Sports Guy column to read (star #4 plus a bonus star making it a vaunted 5 Star Dump). If you haven't experienced one, I could not recommend a Five Star Dump more highly.
- The fact that Lloyd Free changed his name to World B. Free in 1980 - he was also an AWESOME basketball player averaging over 20 a game for his career peaking with a 30-4-4 season in 1979-80.
- That I'm NOT an accountant this time of year.
- Whiskey.
- The Mariners offseason - we signed Chone Figgins, we traded for Cliff Lee, got rid of fat turd Carlos Silva (it doesn't even matter who we got for him but...) for Milton Bradley (who is a good player when healthy and not crazy), extended Franklin Gutierrez, traded for Casey Kotchman and re-signed Felix Hernandez. Now go get Ben Sheets and find another hitter and we may have a legit shot at the playoffs...which is nice.
- Turd Ferguson
- Laughing at farts - literally every single time I fart my daughter says, "daddy toot!" and then laughs hysterically. My wife then gets mad which makes us both laugh even harder. Farting is so funny. I also love the fact that babies think farting is hilarious which proves that farting is inherently funny.
Friday, September 11, 2009
The Eugene Bathroom Cookie Story
Soon after I began dating my wife we were invited down to Eugene, Oregon to stay with one of Wife's college teammates, Jamie, and to attend the Idaho vs. Oregon football game that Saturday. We arrived in Eugene late Friday night and had a few beers with Jamie and her family. Before we went to bed we were informed that we needed to be up and ready to leave at 7:45am.
The next morning at 7:45am sharp we headed for Autzen Stadium. Since Jamie's dad is a former Oregon basketball player he has many connections. After parking we walk over to where we are to hang out and we are welcomed into a great tailgate scene: beer, wine, drinks, shrimp, dip, chips, sandwiches, etc, etc, etc. Awesome.
After tailgating with some of the greatest people I've ever met for about three hours I come to realize that I've had many beers and I need to take a leak in the very near future. Lucky for me, Wife and Jamie needed to go as well so we headed over to the tailgate bathrooms located outside of Autzen Stadium, just for tailgaters. I found this to be a brilliant idea.
When we got to the bathrooms we split and headed to the ladies and men's room respectively. I was on my own as I got in line for the men's room to wait along with 80 other guys to get inside to take a leak. After three or four minutes we finally get just inside the door only to find that the line wraps all the way around the wall inside the bathroom. I'm down to my last Hams as I saunter around in line. This is when the magic began.
As soon as I got inside the men's room I notice that there is a huge, fresh and glorious looking chocolate chunk cookie resting right in the middle of the men's room floor.
After standing in line staring at this glorious cookie for what seemed like an eternity, something came over me. All of a sudden I gave an elbow to Random Guy standing in line next to me. Guy looks at me with disdain since this is the bathroom. I proceed to look Random Guy right in the eye, point to the glorious cookie and say, "You tell me that doesn't look like the best fucking cookie you've ever seen in your entire life." Now, if you will, please take a moment to digest the ramifications of my actions at this exact moment.
After looking at the cookie for a few moments Guy looked back at me and said, "That cookie looks fucking AWESOME!" This would be when we high fived and started pointing out Cookie to everyone else in line. This is also when my actions started to unify the bathroom patrons and the camaraderie exploded.
Just a few moments later, as a guy was exiting the bathroom he accidentally kicked Cookie right at me. What did I do? (No, you freak show, I did not eat Cookie.) I kicked urine soaked delicious looking Cookie across the bathroom floor.
Soon after, it was my turn to pee.
While peeing, Cookie continued to be kicked all over the bathroom floor. I even stopped a few shots on urinal during my pee. Upon finishing my business I began to exit the bathroom and at that exact moment Cookie was kicked past me...right in between a guys legs...and into a urinal!
At this point you need to keep in mind that Wife and I had only been dating for a matter of months and I had only met Jamie on a couple occasions. What happened next was a perfect match of cosmic forces and luck because I became a god. As soon as Cookie was kicked into that urinal I exploded with, "GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!" And the entire bathroom followed suit in an eruption of, "GGGOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!" Then just as I was exiting the bathroom and everyone was yelling and shouting "GOOOAAALLL!!!" and high fiving me I got outside the men's room and Wife and Jamie were standing there looking right at me. The look of wonderment and amazement on their face was perhaps the best moment of my life. I'm quite certain they thought I was a ninja, a god and a miracle healer all rolled into one. Once I reached them they stood in silence for a moment before Wife said, "What did you do?" To which I replied, "There was a cookie...it's a long story."
The next morning at 7:45am sharp we headed for Autzen Stadium. Since Jamie's dad is a former Oregon basketball player he has many connections. After parking we walk over to where we are to hang out and we are welcomed into a great tailgate scene: beer, wine, drinks, shrimp, dip, chips, sandwiches, etc, etc, etc. Awesome.
After tailgating with some of the greatest people I've ever met for about three hours I come to realize that I've had many beers and I need to take a leak in the very near future. Lucky for me, Wife and Jamie needed to go as well so we headed over to the tailgate bathrooms located outside of Autzen Stadium, just for tailgaters. I found this to be a brilliant idea.
When we got to the bathrooms we split and headed to the ladies and men's room respectively. I was on my own as I got in line for the men's room to wait along with 80 other guys to get inside to take a leak. After three or four minutes we finally get just inside the door only to find that the line wraps all the way around the wall inside the bathroom. I'm down to my last Hams as I saunter around in line. This is when the magic began.
As soon as I got inside the men's room I notice that there is a huge, fresh and glorious looking chocolate chunk cookie resting right in the middle of the men's room floor.
After standing in line staring at this glorious cookie for what seemed like an eternity, something came over me. All of a sudden I gave an elbow to Random Guy standing in line next to me. Guy looks at me with disdain since this is the bathroom. I proceed to look Random Guy right in the eye, point to the glorious cookie and say, "You tell me that doesn't look like the best fucking cookie you've ever seen in your entire life." Now, if you will, please take a moment to digest the ramifications of my actions at this exact moment.
After looking at the cookie for a few moments Guy looked back at me and said, "That cookie looks fucking AWESOME!" This would be when we high fived and started pointing out Cookie to everyone else in line. This is also when my actions started to unify the bathroom patrons and the camaraderie exploded.
Just a few moments later, as a guy was exiting the bathroom he accidentally kicked Cookie right at me. What did I do? (No, you freak show, I did not eat Cookie.) I kicked urine soaked delicious looking Cookie across the bathroom floor.
Soon after, it was my turn to pee.
While peeing, Cookie continued to be kicked all over the bathroom floor. I even stopped a few shots on urinal during my pee. Upon finishing my business I began to exit the bathroom and at that exact moment Cookie was kicked past me...right in between a guys legs...and into a urinal!
At this point you need to keep in mind that Wife and I had only been dating for a matter of months and I had only met Jamie on a couple occasions. What happened next was a perfect match of cosmic forces and luck because I became a god. As soon as Cookie was kicked into that urinal I exploded with, "GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!" And the entire bathroom followed suit in an eruption of, "GGGOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!" Then just as I was exiting the bathroom and everyone was yelling and shouting "GOOOAAALLL!!!" and high fiving me I got outside the men's room and Wife and Jamie were standing there looking right at me. The look of wonderment and amazement on their face was perhaps the best moment of my life. I'm quite certain they thought I was a ninja, a god and a miracle healer all rolled into one. Once I reached them they stood in silence for a moment before Wife said, "What did you do?" To which I replied, "There was a cookie...it's a long story."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Costa Rica Jungle Story
I really can't believe I haven't posted this story yet as it's quite amusing. Three or four years ago the wife and I went to Costa Rica with Jared and Lindsay.
The story begins with Jared and Lindsay arriving in Costa Rica a day before us. After flying all night we arrived and they were at the airport in our Mitsubishi Montero rental waiting to pick us up. We were headed to a resort called The Sanctuary a few hours outside of Liberia (the second biggest city in Costa Rica where we landed). After stopping in town to pick up groceries, beer and liquor for most of the week we then got gas and were on the "road." I say "road" because a Costa Rican highway could best be described as a back country road here in the USA - no lines, no curbs, very few ragged street signs, slightly paved years ago, etc. Whatever, you get the drift. Jared informs us that its about an hour and a half to the resort. We are excited.
After driving for about 20 minutes Jared hangs a right off of the "highway" onto...a gravel road. At this point I thought maybe Jared or Lindsay needed to pee or to get a pop out of the back of the car. Nope - it was the way to the resort. So now we are on a gravel road and we still have an hour plus left to drive. Whatever, I was tired and hot and I really wanted to get there so I could take a poo and have a drink.
So we drive for about 20 minutes on the gravel road and there are some very small "towns" with a few houses every 10 minutes or so but basically we are out in the middle of the freaking jungle. At this point our nice Mitsubishi Montero stops working. Just to recap, we are in Costa Rica, in the jungle, in a rental car that has stopped working, it's about 105 degrees out, and it's 4:00pm and it gets dark every night at 6:00pm sharp. Oh, and I have to take a dump like no body's business. I should also mention that Jared and I could fairly be described as car morons. We can both fill them with fuel, add oil and change a tire but that's about it. So we are all feeling pretty confident at this point.
After trying to will the car to start for a few minutes, Jared and I got out to check under the hood. All the belts were hooked and things seemed to be in good shape. This would be when Darci asked, "does the car take gas or diesel?" We all immediately recalled that the girl who had filled up our car back in town had used gas and after opening the door to the gas cap we found that it said in huge letters, "DIESEL." Apparently some of the girls at the gas stations in Costa Rica don't read very well.
At this point we were officially stranded in the jungle in Costa Rica. So we all started brainstorming and we thought to call the rental car place. Neither Darci or my phone worked but thank God Lindsay had AT&T because it worked. I should also mention another thank God for Jared speaking half decent Spanish because the guy at the rental company did not speak a word of English. Jared explained the situation and the rental company was going to send a guy out with another Montero for us and he would be there in about an hour and a half. This was awesome news because it meant that we would eventually get out of the jungle but it was horrible news for me because I had to poop!
So we are sitting there in the jungle sweating and trying not to poo when I remember that we have all the beer and booze that we just bought in the trunk! If we are gonna be stranded we might as well have some fun with it right? Darci is too scared of dying and now Lindsay also has to poop and is also scared of dying so just Jared and I enjoyed a couple of scorching hot whiskey and Coke Lights (in Costa Rica it's Light not Diet).
After a few drinks a super duper dirty Jeep drives by and then stops. The guy gets out and starts talking to us (Jared later told me what he said, I had no clue). He asked if we needed help and Jared let him know that another car was on the way. The guy seemed very nice. Then Jared started saying some more stuff to him and then all of a sudden I heard him utter a phrase that I will never forget as long as I live, "mi Amiga y mi amigo necesstio numero dos." This sent Costa Rican guy into prolonged laughter. After he calmed down he thought for a few minutes and then offered to take Lindsay and me to his friends place down the road so we could numero dos. Jared explained and off Lindsay and I went with Mario Rosales Gonzalez further into the Costa Rican jungle. By honey!
Mario takes us about five minutes down the "road" and turns over little bridge and into...an absolutely beautiful ranch. This place was awesome: palm trees, painted perfectly, trimmed lawn, huge shiny porch, big swimming pool out back. Mario hops out and runs up to the pool and talks to what seems to be the owner who waves us into the bathroom - THANK GOD! The most amazing thing was that I let Lindsay go first. What a gentleman I am. Then Mario took us back to Darci and Jared stranded in the jungle. Thanks Mario.
This is absolutely NOT the end of this story.
We wait for a while longer (Jared and I are still sipping on 105 degree whiskey and Coke Light by the way) when another car drives up and stops right behind us. I am completely certain that the driver is former NFL star Marshall Faulk with his wife and kids. It wasn't. But it was a nice guy who looked EXACTLY like former NFL star Marshall Faulk and his family that Jared and Lindsay had met at our resort the night before. They offered to take us and/or our stuff to the resort. Since it was about 5:30 and starting to get dark we had them take Lindsay and Darci along with the groceries to the resort. Off they went leaving Jared and I sitting in the Costa Rican jungle waiting for some guy to show up with a new rental car.
Another 30 minutes pass and the guy shows up with our new Mitsubishi Montero. Yessssss! The guy is real nice and brought all the paperwork and everything. So we filled everything out and then he asked for the credit card. No problem since we had 3 or 4 between us...nope, he needed THE credit card that we reserved the car with which was Lindsay's credit card which was now with her at the resort. Shit. This guy makes it clear that he has to have that card or he can't give us the car. Jared asks if he and I can drive to the resort and bring him back the card. Understandably the guy says no since we haven't technically rented the new car yet. Rental Car Guy can't leave the car just sitting there and Rental Car Guy has no idea where our resort is and I have even less of an idea where I am. So I offer up the solution of Jared and Rental Car Guy going to the resort to get the card and I will stay with the broken down car. It's the only solution. We all agree.
This sounds simple enough right? Well, keep a few facts in mind: it is 5:45pm and it gets totally dark at 6:00pm, the resort is about 45 minutes away - one way - and I'm in sitting in the middle of the freaking Costa Rican jungle by myself in a broken down car. Then it starts to rain. Hard. So that's the bad news. The good news is that even though we sent all the luggage and groceries to the resort I kept a full bottle of whiskey, a 105 degree bottle of Coke Light and a cup.
I'm not sure about you but if I'm going to get kidnapped by some Costa Rican jungle militants or killed by a gang of monkeys I might as well be drunk! So I start mixing myself drinks. After another 3 or 4 very stiff drinks I remembered that while the car wouldn't run the battery was still working great so I turned on the radio. I pushed the Seek button one time and I shit you not - crystal clear classic rock came on. And apparently the Costa Rican's love Led Zeppelin just as much as I do because they played Led freaking Zeppelin for the next hour straight.
If this story doesn't convince you that I truly find things to be way more amusing than most and that I have more fun than 99% of the population then I just don't know what to say. I sat in the back of a Mitsubishi Montero with the tailgate open in the Costa Rican jungle in 105 degree heat in pouring rain in the dark by myself slugging whiskey, blaring Led Zeppelin and playing the air drums for an hour and I'm not gonna lie to you; I had an AWESOME time!
Jared and Rental Car Guy showed up a few hours later and we were off. The resort was awesome and we had an amazing time. But I will never forget my time in the Costa Rican Jungle. Or Mario Rosales Gonzalez.
The story begins with Jared and Lindsay arriving in Costa Rica a day before us. After flying all night we arrived and they were at the airport in our Mitsubishi Montero rental waiting to pick us up. We were headed to a resort called The Sanctuary a few hours outside of Liberia (the second biggest city in Costa Rica where we landed). After stopping in town to pick up groceries, beer and liquor for most of the week we then got gas and were on the "road." I say "road" because a Costa Rican highway could best be described as a back country road here in the USA - no lines, no curbs, very few ragged street signs, slightly paved years ago, etc. Whatever, you get the drift. Jared informs us that its about an hour and a half to the resort. We are excited.
After driving for about 20 minutes Jared hangs a right off of the "highway" onto...a gravel road. At this point I thought maybe Jared or Lindsay needed to pee or to get a pop out of the back of the car. Nope - it was the way to the resort. So now we are on a gravel road and we still have an hour plus left to drive. Whatever, I was tired and hot and I really wanted to get there so I could take a poo and have a drink.
So we drive for about 20 minutes on the gravel road and there are some very small "towns" with a few houses every 10 minutes or so but basically we are out in the middle of the freaking jungle. At this point our nice Mitsubishi Montero stops working. Just to recap, we are in Costa Rica, in the jungle, in a rental car that has stopped working, it's about 105 degrees out, and it's 4:00pm and it gets dark every night at 6:00pm sharp. Oh, and I have to take a dump like no body's business. I should also mention that Jared and I could fairly be described as car morons. We can both fill them with fuel, add oil and change a tire but that's about it. So we are all feeling pretty confident at this point.
After trying to will the car to start for a few minutes, Jared and I got out to check under the hood. All the belts were hooked and things seemed to be in good shape. This would be when Darci asked, "does the car take gas or diesel?" We all immediately recalled that the girl who had filled up our car back in town had used gas and after opening the door to the gas cap we found that it said in huge letters, "DIESEL." Apparently some of the girls at the gas stations in Costa Rica don't read very well.
At this point we were officially stranded in the jungle in Costa Rica. So we all started brainstorming and we thought to call the rental car place. Neither Darci or my phone worked but thank God Lindsay had AT&T because it worked. I should also mention another thank God for Jared speaking half decent Spanish because the guy at the rental company did not speak a word of English. Jared explained the situation and the rental company was going to send a guy out with another Montero for us and he would be there in about an hour and a half. This was awesome news because it meant that we would eventually get out of the jungle but it was horrible news for me because I had to poop!
So we are sitting there in the jungle sweating and trying not to poo when I remember that we have all the beer and booze that we just bought in the trunk! If we are gonna be stranded we might as well have some fun with it right? Darci is too scared of dying and now Lindsay also has to poop and is also scared of dying so just Jared and I enjoyed a couple of scorching hot whiskey and Coke Lights (in Costa Rica it's Light not Diet).
After a few drinks a super duper dirty Jeep drives by and then stops. The guy gets out and starts talking to us (Jared later told me what he said, I had no clue). He asked if we needed help and Jared let him know that another car was on the way. The guy seemed very nice. Then Jared started saying some more stuff to him and then all of a sudden I heard him utter a phrase that I will never forget as long as I live, "mi Amiga y mi amigo necesstio numero dos." This sent Costa Rican guy into prolonged laughter. After he calmed down he thought for a few minutes and then offered to take Lindsay and me to his friends place down the road so we could numero dos. Jared explained and off Lindsay and I went with Mario Rosales Gonzalez further into the Costa Rican jungle. By honey!
Mario takes us about five minutes down the "road" and turns over little bridge and into...an absolutely beautiful ranch. This place was awesome: palm trees, painted perfectly, trimmed lawn, huge shiny porch, big swimming pool out back. Mario hops out and runs up to the pool and talks to what seems to be the owner who waves us into the bathroom - THANK GOD! The most amazing thing was that I let Lindsay go first. What a gentleman I am. Then Mario took us back to Darci and Jared stranded in the jungle. Thanks Mario.
This is absolutely NOT the end of this story.
We wait for a while longer (Jared and I are still sipping on 105 degree whiskey and Coke Light by the way) when another car drives up and stops right behind us. I am completely certain that the driver is former NFL star Marshall Faulk with his wife and kids. It wasn't. But it was a nice guy who looked EXACTLY like former NFL star Marshall Faulk and his family that Jared and Lindsay had met at our resort the night before. They offered to take us and/or our stuff to the resort. Since it was about 5:30 and starting to get dark we had them take Lindsay and Darci along with the groceries to the resort. Off they went leaving Jared and I sitting in the Costa Rican jungle waiting for some guy to show up with a new rental car.
Another 30 minutes pass and the guy shows up with our new Mitsubishi Montero. Yessssss! The guy is real nice and brought all the paperwork and everything. So we filled everything out and then he asked for the credit card. No problem since we had 3 or 4 between us...nope, he needed THE credit card that we reserved the car with which was Lindsay's credit card which was now with her at the resort. Shit. This guy makes it clear that he has to have that card or he can't give us the car. Jared asks if he and I can drive to the resort and bring him back the card. Understandably the guy says no since we haven't technically rented the new car yet. Rental Car Guy can't leave the car just sitting there and Rental Car Guy has no idea where our resort is and I have even less of an idea where I am. So I offer up the solution of Jared and Rental Car Guy going to the resort to get the card and I will stay with the broken down car. It's the only solution. We all agree.
This sounds simple enough right? Well, keep a few facts in mind: it is 5:45pm and it gets totally dark at 6:00pm, the resort is about 45 minutes away - one way - and I'm in sitting in the middle of the freaking Costa Rican jungle by myself in a broken down car. Then it starts to rain. Hard. So that's the bad news. The good news is that even though we sent all the luggage and groceries to the resort I kept a full bottle of whiskey, a 105 degree bottle of Coke Light and a cup.
I'm not sure about you but if I'm going to get kidnapped by some Costa Rican jungle militants or killed by a gang of monkeys I might as well be drunk! So I start mixing myself drinks. After another 3 or 4 very stiff drinks I remembered that while the car wouldn't run the battery was still working great so I turned on the radio. I pushed the Seek button one time and I shit you not - crystal clear classic rock came on. And apparently the Costa Rican's love Led Zeppelin just as much as I do because they played Led freaking Zeppelin for the next hour straight.
If this story doesn't convince you that I truly find things to be way more amusing than most and that I have more fun than 99% of the population then I just don't know what to say. I sat in the back of a Mitsubishi Montero with the tailgate open in the Costa Rican jungle in 105 degree heat in pouring rain in the dark by myself slugging whiskey, blaring Led Zeppelin and playing the air drums for an hour and I'm not gonna lie to you; I had an AWESOME time!
Jared and Rental Car Guy showed up a few hours later and we were off. The resort was awesome and we had an amazing time. But I will never forget my time in the Costa Rican Jungle. Or Mario Rosales Gonzalez.
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