Potty Talk

Whether it registers in your consciousness or not, everyone evaluates just about everything. As we plow through life we evaluate the food we eat, the music we hear and the people we encounter. Each person, consciously or unconsciously, has certain criteria that they use to evaluate things. For example some people are very particular about the texture of their food, others prefer a woman with a huge set of cans and some evaluate all baseball players based on the greatness of Ken Griffey, Jr.

The reason I bring this up is because I'm quite awesome at evaluating stuff. I regularly out-order my wife when we go out to dinner. I ALWAYS evaluate little league baseball talent and draft better than the other coaches at the pre-draft workouts. And I recently came up with the best dump evaluation system in history. I originally debuted The Five Star Dump criteria back in the January 9 x Awesome post but don't feel that I took the time to properly elaborate. If you haven't read this previously, it will change your whole perspective on shit. I give you...

The Five Star Dump

• Star #1: The dump is taken in a preferred bathroom. This obviously depends on personal preference, but it could be your favorite bathroom at home, the best stall at work (i.e. the always glorious handicap stall) or even a spotless & spacious public facility. The bottom line is that you need to be comfortable to have a truly enjoyable poo.

• Star #2: The dump is nice and effortless...and obviously diarrhea-free.

• Star #3: The toilet paper MUST be put on correctly in an "over the top" fashion (more on this later) and it MUST be of satisfactory quality.

• Star #4 & 5: Quality entertainment. This is the most subjective aspect of the criteria but really makes or breaks a good dump. The quality of your entertainment determines whether your dump is Four or Five Star worthy. For me, having a brand new Sports Guy column is a surefire way to earn stars #4 and 5. Some other examples of excellent dumping entertainment are: a new magazine, a good book, finding something interesting on the Internet or dominating a fun game on your phone or Gameboy (you can't have a Five Star Dump if you don't win). And the most glorious, and rare, dumping entertainment is having a TV in the bathroom (we stayed at THE Hotel in Vegas for my bachelor party and each bathroom had a flat screen TV mounted on the wall - how is this not more prevalent in our society?).

Ever since The Five Star Dump criteria was first published it has become a national phenomenon (well...three states anyway). I've been getting regular texts and emails saying things like, "I'm in the middle of a ***** Dump!!!" or "I can't win solitaire. DAMMIT! Four stars." This feedback always gives me a feeling of pride and jubilation like watching my daughter take her first steps...or when she began laughing at farts. I even had this particularly amusing series of texts with my buddy Sully:

Sully: * (thanks Mexico for creating such agreeable food!)

Me: Bummer. Was the * for the TP being on right?

Sully: Yup...

Me: Well that is one shitty shit!

Sully: Tell me about it...I put up orange cones and yellow caution tape in front of the door.

In addition to the positive feedback I've also received a few particularly disturbing reports of dumps ruined due to improper toilet paper installation. Hearing such tales truly pains me because there are not many worse feelings than reaching for the loose end of toilet paper before finally coming to the realization that you will never find the loose end because someone put the roll on wrong. If you don't know how to properly install a roll of toilet paper then I would like you to examine the following diagrams:

The diagrams should have made this abundantly clear, but just in case you don't understand I'll break it down for you: putting the toilet paper on so the lose end faces the wall and drops down behind and underneath the roll is wrong. It should be illegal and punishable with jail time and a fine. If you are a person who installs a roll of toilet paper in this manner then you fall into one of two categories:

1. You are a stupid idiot who can't grasp how toilet paper works. You are a waste of space and resources and you are a general drain on society. If you were born in a third world country or earlier in history you would already be dead thanks to natural selection. There is no rational or logical explanation for your behavior and you don't even know what any of this means.
2. You are an inconsiderate asshole who's in such a rush that you can't take even one half of one second to look at the new roll of TP and put it on correctly. Everyone wishes you would simply disappear as your life has been a complete waste and you are pretty much the exact opposite of George Bailey. You suck and everyone hates you.

There are no other options and I will not argue about this.

We deal with so many complex issues these days that it's nice when we can come together and agree on anything, let alone something so important. At least now we can all agree on how to evaluate a good dump and how to properly install toilet paper.

Paul's Amusings is Big Time!

As a Paul's Amusings follower you surely have deep and sincere appreciation for the awesomeness of this blog. Since we are all innately searching for affirmation of our self worth in some way I wanted to give each of you a little pat on the behind.

A few years back, the author of this amazing blog (me) was having a few tasty beverages one night and happened to drunk email the world famous Sports Guy. The Sports Guy found my email to be so amusing that he wound up including it in one of his "mailbag" columns. Not only did the column appear on ESPN.com but it was also in the July 16, 2007 issue of ESPN The Magazine.




And to put chocolate syrup on the ice cream the email earned the coveted spot as the last email of the column which, if you read The Sports Guy you know, is the coolest spot because it gets the, "Yup, these are my readers" response.

At this point you are likely asking, "What the hell is going on? I thought this guy was going to give me a pat on the behind?" Its quite simple really: this is another example of how I am awesome. And since you like me, that means you have excellent taste. Congratulations!

The Old Switch A Roo

This old story has come up a few times recently and its too good not to share. Back in college my buddy Hank did a study abroad program for a year along with a group of about 30 classmates over in Florence, Italy. As they began traveling all over Europe, sharing many experiences together and drinking a ton the group of students became quite close. As you can imagine, a few relationships developed as well.

One such relationship was between one of Hank's buddies and a lovely lady in the group. As time passed it became commonplace for these two to rendezvous back at his room after a night out.

One time, after a day of traveling and drinking, this exact scenario transpired and Hank's buddy (heretofore referred to as Buddy) and Lovely Lady (heretofore referred to as...Lovely Lady) rendezvoused back at Buddy's room. At this point certain consensual acts transpired that won't be mentioned here. What will be mentioned, however, is that these certain consensual acts transpired in Buddy's roommate's bed (no, Buddy's roommate was not in the bed...nor was he in the room watching...you pervert)! Apparently Buddy thought doing it in his roommate's bed was really funny (that's because it is!!!). Upon wrapping things up both Buddy and Lovely Lady passed out in roommate's bed.

Later that night Buddy woke up. To himself pissing the bed.

(Take a moment to let that soak in. Get it? "Soak in" Ha ha! Thank you. Thank you.)

Summarizing things to this point: Buddy has hooked up with Lovely Lady, passed out and pissed all over himself and Lovely Lady. ALL IN HIS ROOMMATE'S BED! Yet the story somehow gets better...because what did Buddy do when he realized that he and Lovely Lady were passed out in his roommate's bed full of his own urine? Naturally he got up, cleaned himself off, hopped in his own clean bed and went right back to sleep. A few hours later Lovely Lady woke up laying in a piss soaked bed having no earthly idea what happened.

If I were somehow able to get myself into this predicament I'm quite certain I wouldn't have had the wherewithal (or is it courage? Bravado? Intestinal fortitude?) to simply get out of bed, clean up and go back to sleep in my own bed while leaving Lovely Lady laying in my roommate's bed that I just wet. No way.

Lucky for us all, I'm not the character in this story because Buddy didn't end the charade by fessing up and apologizing. Ohhh no! He proceeded to blame Lovely Lady for wetting his roommate's bed and angrily dismissed her from the room. She apologized profusely and left the room in shame. To this day Lovely Lady doesn't know that she didn't wet the bed.

I'm not sure about you, but I'm comforted knowing that there is someone out there like Buddy. Bravo, Buddy. Bravo.

Follow Paul's Amusings on Twitter

In typical Paul's Amusings fashion I've recently been messing around with Twitter about a year after everyone else. I'm beginning to really enjoy following certain Twitterers/Tweeters/Tweets/Twitters/Twits. I'm really not sure of the proper lingo. Anyway, you can now follow Paul's Amusings on Twitter. It's a great way for me to share quick amusings that aren't deep enough to cover with an entire blog post and also to keep you updated when there's a new posts on the blog.

To check it out just click on this sentence that you are reading right now.

Brilliance and Disappointment

I've been playing Beer Pong for years now. I have always greatly enjoyed the game as it combines two of my favorite activities: making shots, drinking beers, talking trash and competition. I bring it up because I've been playing Beer Pong for 10+ years at this point and I recently became extremely disappointed with myself because this awesome YouTube video was brought to my attention and I can't believe it never occurred to me to finish off a game with this brilliance:



Can you imagine being involved in a competitive game of Beer Pong at a house party in college? People are milling around the garage enjoying the competition and trash talk, the game is close and just as it gets down to where each team has one cup left it's your turn to shoot. You unassumingly take the ball and back up a few steps. Then just as all eyes focus on you trying to figure out what you're doing you take a few running steps, leap over the table and dunk home the winning shot while smashing the table to smithereens!

I can't believe I didn't think of this back in the day. It's pure genius. And this video is awesome! I had tears of laughter streaming down my face in my office as I watched it. And any video that brings me tears of joy, laughter and a dash of disappointment needs to be shared.

The Bobby Ayala

If you are a Seattle Mariners fan like me, you know who Bobby Ayala is. For those of you who aren't familiar (and also for my amusement) Bobby Ayala was a relief pitcher and occasional closer for Mariners back in the '90s and he sucked huge hairy sweaty donkey balls. When he came into a game, things got worse. Immediately. It was particularly painful to have an Ayala experience thrust upon you when the Mariners had a lead late in the game. The team would go through all this work to get a lead during the first seven or eight innings and then Ayala would come in and inevitably blow it. And he would typically blow it up like a volcano which always left me with a sour taste in my mouth. And also extremely pissed off that he just blew the entire night.


The reason I bring Ayala up is because a few years back my friend Hank and I were chatting and Hank tossed out the premise that Gin is the worst possible alcohol to take a shot of (I know you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I can't figure out any other way to word that sentence that doesn't make me sound like I'm from 200 years ago). We later agreed that the double shot of house Gin would be the ideal prescription to get someone to throw up at the tail end of a night of drinking.


This discussion led us to take the double shot of house Gin out for a couple test drives with a few drunken and chirpy friends. After a few laps the results were unequivocal and it was decided that it was full proof and a name was needed. By now you know that this kind of thing is right up my alley and I quickly came up with the official name: the Bobby Ayala.




The official definition of the Bobby Ayala: in the Seattle area a double shot of house Gin has come to be called The Bobby Ayala. Just as he used to ruin a perfectly good night of baseball entertainment, a liquid Bobby Ayala is sure to do the same for a nice night of drinking. It is almost guaranteed to end up on the sidewalk and is the perfect remedy for a slightly obnoxious drinking buddy.

9 x Awesome:

It's the middle of winter, the weather sucks, the economy REALLY sucks, I think we are at war with one or more countries or people or ideas or something, I got a flat tire on the freeway last week at 6:55am on the way to work (super fun), and to top it all off the rapidly improving Sonics are still hijacked and playing in Oklahoma City.

"So what's your point Jerk Store" you ask?

My point is that it's pretty easy to feel a little down right now. Since being down sucks balls, here are some things that are awesome and are sure to improve your attitude:

1. Play-doh - having a daughter has gotten me back into Play-doh and frankly I can't believe how awesome it is. To think it's been missing from my life for 20+ years saddens me. I also can't come up with a reason why we didn't have a big stash of Play-doh at our house in college. The thought of drunken Play-doh makes me giddy.
   
2. March Madness - it's only January, yet I'm already getting excited for the NCAA Tournament.
   
3. The Five Star Dump - this is a dump taken at work when you get the handicapped stall (star #1), the toilet paper has been put on correctly in an "over the top" fashion (star #2 and also a topic worthy of it's own post. Hmmm...), it's a nice comfortable and obviously diarrhea-less poo (star #3) and last but not least, you have a brand new Sports Guy column to read (star #4 plus a bonus star making it a vaunted 5 Star Dump). If you haven't experienced one, I could not recommend a Five Star Dump more highly.
   
4. The fact that Lloyd Free changed his name to World B. Free in 1980 - he was also an AWESOME basketball player averaging over 20 a game for his career peaking with a 30-4-4 season in 1979-80.
   
5. That I'm NOT an accountant this time of year.
   
6. Whiskey.
7. The Mariners offseason - we signed Chone Figgins, we traded for Cliff Lee, got rid of fat turd Carlos Silva (it doesn't even matter who we got for him but...) for Milton Bradley (who is a good player when healthy and not crazy), extended Franklin Gutierrez, traded for Casey Kotchman and re-signed Felix Hernandez. Now go get Ben Sheets and find another hitter and we may have a legit shot at the playoffs...which is nice.
   
8. Turd Ferguson
9. Laughing at farts - literally every single time I fart my daughter says, "daddy toot!" and then laughs hysterically. My wife then gets mad which makes us both laugh even harder. Farting is so funny. I also love the fact that babies think farting is hilarious which proves that farting is inherently funny.

A Great Text Message #2

I got the following text message from Sophomore this past weekend:

"The white man's firm grip on the quarterback position has to be a wonder of the world."

It's both well written and funny. Yet it brings up an interesting point. How is this possible? There have been a number of good to great black quarterbacks over the past 45 years and the number is growing - particularly at the college level. But the contrast is seen most clearly in the NFL where only Donovan McNabb is entrenched as a top flight quarterback over the past five to ten years. And how is it possible that only one black quarterback has led his team to a Super Bowl victory? I guess it isn't really that big of a statistical anomaly when you compare the number of white starting QB's to the number of back starting QB's over the past 45 years.

Is there still so much racism out there that The Football Powers That Be still prefer white guys to be their QB? Or is it something else? The only logical thing I can come up with is the black guys are generally better athletes than white guys. And if you take a 6-4 white guy like Matt Ryan for example, he could never EVER play any other position in the NFL besides QB (and kicker or punter which, by the way, might be the single most racially lopsided job in the United States). Whereas if you take a 6-4 black guy like Donovan McNabb for example; he is a great athlete - period. And under different circumstances as a youngster you could realistically envision him being a quality receiver, safety or linebacker. This is the only explanation, besides racism, that I can come up with. When kids are young and start playing football the best athletes get put at positions that require the best athletes and the fat kids are linemen and the white guy with the good arm is quarterback. I don't know, this explanation is probably racist somehow in it's own right. Actually, is this whole topic reverse racism?

Awesomeness in Everett, WA - Part 69

This is a little obvious for my liking but it is so awesome that I have to share. I'm afraid any attempt I might make at commenting on this story will only detract from your wonderment. So just trust me when I tell you to click on this article and enjoy the latest sampling of why Everett is so awesome:

Are bikini baristas in Everett showing too much skin?

An Extra Wish

From time to time I'll overhear someone discussing what they would do if they had three wishes. Afterwards I always find myself thinking about this topic. That led me to wonder what I would do if I had an extra wish after establishing peace on earth, putting an end to suffering and making myself a super athlete. What if I had an extra wish? A wish that had no ramifications attached because you had already taken care of the important stuff. What would I wish for if I had an extra wish?

After discussing this at length with my buddy Ty* we officially decided on what we would wish for if we had an extra wish. The best extra wish we dreamt up is having a midget who followed you around wearing a backpack filled with tennis balls and every time you put your hand out the midget would put a tennis ball in your hand.

Go ahead and take a few moments to digest the pure genius behind this wish.

Since you are likely not as amused as you should be, I will elaborate. Having a midget around would almost certainly keep me, and basically anyone I encountered, in an outstanding mood because midgets are inherently funny. This aspect in itself almost makes the wish worthwhile. Then you also have to take into account that my midget would be the jolliest midget around. During my midget interview process "jolly" would be second on the list of qualifications right behind "midget" and just ahead of "good sense of humor." In addition to finding a jolly midget I would further his (I would obviously hire a male midget because he would find all of my inappropriate comments to be funny) jolliness by treating him really well. He'd be paid well, have plenty of vacation and he'd basically be my little hombre.

To make the wish truly glorious my midget would always wear a backpack filled with tennis balls. My midget's only responsibility aside from being a midget, jolly and funny would be to put a tennis ball in my hand whenever I put my hand out. I'm also quite sure my midget would rig up a contraption that dispensed tennis balls into his hand without having to take off the backpack to get more.

If you have absolutely no imagination and don't understand why my midget would give me a tennis ball then you need to find a quiet place and examine your life. I'm dead serious. If your mind isn't racing with awesome things you could do with a tennis ball in your hand then you need to find a quiet place and reflect on where you life is going. Perhaps you need to admit that you have a problem then make amends with the people you have been dragging down with your poopy pants attitude and lack of imagination.

The understated beauty of this wish is that tennis balls are the perfect ball for this wish. They don't hurt for more than a few seconds even if you get drilled, but you definitely know when you get hit with one. They don't dent cars, they don't typically break windows, dogs love them, they bounce (but not too much) and they are a nice size and weight for throwing.

To truly appreciate this wish you really need to picture the whole experience. First I'd see a situation that called for a tennis ball. Say, for example I'm playing golf with Wilson. We are on the sixth hole and I put my hand out. My midget quietly walks over, jumps up and drops a tennis ball in my hand (I'm laughing a little already just picturing this). Wilson finishes off his fifth Busch Light and prepares to hit his shot. Then just as he gets his club to the top of his swing I nail him in the back with the tennis ball. My midget laughs hysterically because Wilson shanks his shot under the trees followed by me and my midget "high" fiving. Now the other golfers are laughing as well. And then even Wilson joins in the laughter because my midget is laughing so hard that he's rolling around on the ground.

And that's just the first idea that came to mind.

Since this is so fun I'm going to start a list of things I would do with a midget placed tennis ball in my hands so I'll just toss a few ideas out there:

• In addition to my midget I would likely have a pack of loyal dogs following me everywhere because I every time I'd come across a dog I would throw a tennis ball for it to fetch (this would also weed out all the lame, non-fetching dogs...which is an added bonus I hadn't even though of until just now).
• Imagine I'm watching a football game at my house with some buddies. Someone gets up to get more nachos and boom - he gets nailed with a lobbed tennis ball...followed by laughter. Or if one of my buddies is rooting a little to hard for the wrong team he might get a nice little tennis ball shower.
• Say I'm at work and Nick is in my office being just a little too loud when I'm on the phone. My midget hands me a tennis ball and I whirl around and nail him in the ribs.
• I would peg the crap out of the copy machine any time it did not function perfectly. Screw you copy machine!
• I would do a tennis ball drive-by of all the war protesters / supporters every Friday at lunch.
• Say we go out in the boat at Crescent Bar and Brian decides to go wakeboarding. My midget would get all excited because I would launch a steady barrage of tennis balls at him the moment he got up. My midget would laugh so hard he might blow out of the boat.
• When attending any event with a speaker in front of the group I would lob tennis balls at them if they did not sufficiently interest me.
• If I had a midget who put a tennis ball in my hand at my request I might take up tennis just for the comedy.
• My midget would love going to sporting events because I would sit in the upper deck and toss tennis balls down on unsuspecting morons sitting in the good seats who aren't paying attention to the game. I realize that this would me I am also not paying attention to the game but it's my wish, I can do whatever I want.
• I would definitely toss tennis balls from the tops of as many tall buildings as possible. I think I might even have my midget stay on the ground so he could see how high it bounces. Then again I might need my midget up there with me to distract the powers that be with his jolly antics as I discretely toss a tennis ball off the edge.
• I'm pretty sure Roger Federer would befriend me solely for my tennis ball wielding midget.
• I would likely try to get a job as a crane operator. The reasons why should be obvious.

I feel as though I've only scratched the surface of this topic...which is why I would like some suggestions from you loyal readers. I'd love to hear ideas for what I could do with my midget and a supply of tennis balls. I would also love to hear what YOU would do with an extra wish. Please send your creative, funny or even obvious ideas to paulsamusings@gmail.com.

*I must give my buddy Ty credit here since he was integral in the forming of this brilliant idea.