A Great Text Message #2

I got the following text message from Sophomore this past weekend:

"The white man's firm grip on the quarterback position has to be a wonder of the world."

It's both well written and funny. Yet it brings up an interesting point. How is this possible? There have been a number of good to great black quarterbacks over the past 45 years and the number is growing - particularly at the college level. But the contrast is seen most clearly in the NFL where only Donovan McNabb is entrenched as a top flight quarterback over the past five to ten years. And how is it possible that only one black quarterback has led his team to a Super Bowl victory? I guess it isn't really that big of a statistical anomaly when you compare the number of white starting QB's to the number of back starting QB's over the past 45 years.

Is there still so much racism out there that The Football Powers That Be still prefer white guys to be their QB? Or is it something else? The only logical thing I can come up with is the black guys are generally better athletes than white guys. And if you take a 6-4 white guy like Matt Ryan for example, he could never EVER play any other position in the NFL besides QB (and kicker or punter which, by the way, might be the single most racially lopsided job in the United States). Whereas if you take a 6-4 black guy like Donovan McNabb for example; he is a great athlete - period. And under different circumstances as a youngster you could realistically envision him being a quality receiver, safety or linebacker. This is the only explanation, besides racism, that I can come up with. When kids are young and start playing football the best athletes get put at positions that require the best athletes and the fat kids are linemen and the white guy with the good arm is quarterback. I don't know, this explanation is probably racist somehow in it's own right. Actually, is this whole topic reverse racism?

Awesomeness in Everett, WA - Part 69

This is a little obvious for my liking but it is so awesome that I have to share. I'm afraid any attempt I might make at commenting on this story will only detract from your wonderment. So just trust me when I tell you to click on this article and enjoy the latest sampling of why Everett is so awesome:

Are bikini baristas in Everett showing too much skin?

An Extra Wish

From time to time I'll overhear someone discussing what they would do if they had three wishes. Afterwards I always find myself thinking about this topic. That led me to wonder what I would do if I had an extra wish after establishing peace on earth, putting an end to suffering and making myself a super athlete. What if I had an extra wish? A wish that had no ramifications attached because you had already taken care of the important stuff. What would I wish for if I had an extra wish?

After discussing this at length with my buddy Ty* we officially decided on what we would wish for if we had an extra wish. The best extra wish we dreamt up is having a midget who followed you around wearing a backpack filled with tennis balls and every time you put your hand out the midget would put a tennis ball in your hand.

Go ahead and take a few moments to digest the pure genius behind this wish.

Since you are likely not as amused as you should be, I will elaborate. Having a midget around would almost certainly keep me, and basically anyone I encountered, in an outstanding mood because midgets are inherently funny. This aspect in itself almost makes the wish worthwhile. Then you also have to take into account that my midget would be the jolliest midget around. During my midget interview process "jolly" would be second on the list of qualifications right behind "midget" and just ahead of "good sense of humor." In addition to finding a jolly midget I would further his (I would obviously hire a male midget because he would find all of my inappropriate comments to be funny) jolliness by treating him really well. He'd be paid well, have plenty of vacation and he'd basically be my little hombre.

To make the wish truly glorious my midget would always wear a backpack filled with tennis balls. My midget's only responsibility aside from being a midget, jolly and funny would be to put a tennis ball in my hand whenever I put my hand out. I'm also quite sure my midget would rig up a contraption that dispensed tennis balls into his hand without having to take off the backpack to get more.

If you have absolutely no imagination and don't understand why my midget would give me a tennis ball then you need to find a quiet place and examine your life. I'm dead serious. If your mind isn't racing with awesome things you could do with a tennis ball in your hand then you need to find a quiet place and reflect on where you life is going. Perhaps you need to admit that you have a problem then make amends with the people you have been dragging down with your poopy pants attitude and lack of imagination.

The understated beauty of this wish is that tennis balls are the perfect ball for this wish. They don't hurt for more than a few seconds even if you get drilled, but you definitely know when you get hit with one. They don't dent cars, they don't typically break windows, dogs love them, they bounce (but not too much) and they are a nice size and weight for throwing.

To truly appreciate this wish you really need to picture the whole experience. First I'd see a situation that called for a tennis ball. Say, for example I'm playing golf with Wilson. We are on the sixth hole and I put my hand out. My midget quietly walks over, jumps up and drops a tennis ball in my hand (I'm laughing a little already just picturing this). Wilson finishes off his fifth Busch Light and prepares to hit his shot. Then just as he gets his club to the top of his swing I nail him in the back with the tennis ball. My midget laughs hysterically because Wilson shanks his shot under the trees followed by me and my midget "high" fiving. Now the other golfers are laughing as well. And then even Wilson joins in the laughter because my midget is laughing so hard that he's rolling around on the ground.

And that's just the first idea that came to mind.

Since this is so fun I'm going to start a list of things I would do with a midget placed tennis ball in my hands so I'll just toss a few ideas out there:

• In addition to my midget I would likely have a pack of loyal dogs following me everywhere because I every time I'd come across a dog I would throw a tennis ball for it to fetch (this would also weed out all the lame, non-fetching dogs...which is an added bonus I hadn't even though of until just now).
• Imagine I'm watching a football game at my house with some buddies. Someone gets up to get more nachos and boom - he gets nailed with a lobbed tennis ball...followed by laughter. Or if one of my buddies is rooting a little to hard for the wrong team he might get a nice little tennis ball shower.
• Say I'm at work and Nick is in my office being just a little too loud when I'm on the phone. My midget hands me a tennis ball and I whirl around and nail him in the ribs.
• I would peg the crap out of the copy machine any time it did not function perfectly. Screw you copy machine!
• I would do a tennis ball drive-by of all the war protesters / supporters every Friday at lunch.
• Say we go out in the boat at Crescent Bar and Brian decides to go wakeboarding. My midget would get all excited because I would launch a steady barrage of tennis balls at him the moment he got up. My midget would laugh so hard he might blow out of the boat.
• When attending any event with a speaker in front of the group I would lob tennis balls at them if they did not sufficiently interest me.
• If I had a midget who put a tennis ball in my hand at my request I might take up tennis just for the comedy.
• My midget would love going to sporting events because I would sit in the upper deck and toss tennis balls down on unsuspecting morons sitting in the good seats who aren't paying attention to the game. I realize that this would me I am also not paying attention to the game but it's my wish, I can do whatever I want.
• I would definitely toss tennis balls from the tops of as many tall buildings as possible. I think I might even have my midget stay on the ground so he could see how high it bounces. Then again I might need my midget up there with me to distract the powers that be with his jolly antics as I discretely toss a tennis ball off the edge.
• I'm pretty sure Roger Federer would befriend me solely for my tennis ball wielding midget.
• I would likely try to get a job as a crane operator. The reasons why should be obvious.

I feel as though I've only scratched the surface of this topic...which is why I would like some suggestions from you loyal readers. I'd love to hear ideas for what I could do with my midget and a supply of tennis balls. I would also love to hear what YOU would do with an extra wish. Please send your creative, funny or even obvious ideas to paulsamusings@gmail.com.

*I must give my buddy Ty credit here since he was integral in the forming of this brilliant idea.