Awesomeness in Everett, WA - This Can't Be Topped

I'm not normally one to be at a loss for words so this is a little strange for me. Earlier today I was on my way home. On the way to the freeway I saw this building in downtown Everett. I had to pull off to the side of the road to take the picture or I would have killed somebody. Or even worse, I could have gotten a ticket.

I think it'll be best for everyone if I just let you take a loot at the photograph first:

This picture brings so many things to mind I don't know where to begin so I'm just gonna let em rip:

1. WOW!
2. Really?
3. Really?
4. REALLY?
5. Who, in their right mind, would take their kids to get pictures taken with Santa at this establishment? Check that - who in their right mind would let their kids NEAR THIS BUILDING?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
6. I think my favorite part of the photo is the bottom of the sign where it reads: "OR STOP IN..." Really? "Hey, this place looks legit! Let's take the kids on over for some pictures with Santa! It's bound to be a great time!"
7. Do people actually call the number to make reservations for pictures with Santa at this location? Seriously?
8. Wouldn't you have to be raising some pretty darn stupid kids for them to believe that Santa was actually in THIS building? Isn't Santa only at the mall?
9. Can anyone really just open up a store that specializes in exclusively Santa Photos? Shouldn't you have to have a very specific and highly regulated license for this particular line of work?
10. Do you think there are elves inside that building? Do you think one of them is a huge elf like Will Ferrell?
11. Is it possible that the people who opened this joint were actually well intentioned people but merely had the worst marketing campaign ever and inadvertently twisted their wholesome idea into one that looked like a molester's workshop? Do you think anyone in the history of history has used the phrase "molester's workshop?"
12. Does this photo firmly cement me as the greatest cell phone photographer in history?

These are the questions that will keep me up tonight...on second thought, no they won't. I'm gonna sleep just fine...laughing at the thought of the "Santa Photos" photo! Ahhhhhh hahahahahaahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An Awesome Commercial

I love commercials. I look forward to good ads and I enjoy trying to figure out who green lighted terrible ones. I'm also particularly fond of commercials featuring an outstanding jingle or song. This is unquestionably the best commercial out there right now:




Way out West [Way out West]
There's a story told [There's a story told]
About a bunch of cowboys
Tiny & Bold
Riding Tall
Tall in the Saddle
Hearding cows the size of schnauzer's, but there cattle
Yipiyaiyay Mini Sirloin Burgers
Yipiyaiyo Mini Sirloin Burgers
Yipiyaiyay Mini Sirloin Burgerrrrrs.....Yeah!

I could sing that all day long. Sometimes I do. If you are a fan of any other great commercials please email me at paulsamusings@gmail.com. If it's awesome and available I will put it on the blog for all to see.

Advice for being Eco Friendly...

...always try to follow this simple little saying when using the bathroom and you'll save thousands of gallons of water each year: if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down.

I understand that this is not always practical but its really quite easy. I'd estimate that 8 out of 10 times you can let the yellow mellow. And just think - every time you flush a toilet it uses between one and five gallons of fresh water depending on your toilet. That adds up really fast. Even if you can get just two yellows per flush you'll save thousands of gallons of water each year.

And if you abide by the saying on a night when you have friends over for drinks you can save so much water its crazy!

And if you are poopy pants about this idea then I have two things to say to you: 1. you are an idiot and 2. you are one of the chosen few who live in a country with clean water so be thankful you don't have to drink your nasty ass water through a LifeStraw:

I might drink my own piss before drinking the water in that picture. Sick.

Crane Hijinx in Action!

Today is an awesome day. I was just looking at the crane outside my office window and the crane operator apparently reads Paul's Amusings because he had the Honeybucket about 80 feet in the air! I'm quite certain the guy who was in there pooping was just too scared to open the door. I'm also happy to say that I was able to capture a picture of the Honeybucket on my cell phone. I am likely the greatest cell phone photographer in the history of history.

We also had several outstanding suggestions emailed to us at paulsamusings@gmail.com. The best of which was from some random hippie in Oregon. After reading his suggestion for Crane Hijinx I'm pretty sure he's a genius hippie. I'll paraphrase his hippie thoughts: you go to the toy store and buy a whole bunch of the little green army men that come with parachutes. Then you smuggle the army men, a pen, paper and some scotch tape up the crane. Then you write messages and tape them to the army men before they paratroop to the ground. I can only think of around one million messages to tape on a little green army man before he parachutes to the ground:

• BANG! You're dead.
• I just farted.
• Would you like to go to a school bus race with me?
• I dare you to use that Honeybucket over there. Go ahead. I dare you.
• Would you kindly point me toward the Germans?
• Scotchy scotch scotch. I love scotch. There it goes...down into my belly.
• I can smell you from up here. Maybe mix in a shower tomorrow huh stinky?
• You are a cotton headed ninny muggins.

Just to name a few.

Advice for Throwing a First Birthday Party...

...always always ALWAYS get a keg of beer when hosting your child's first birthday party. After all, you've managed to keep your child alive for a year. That is a huge accomplishment and you should celebrate. And I don't know of a better way to celebrate with your friends and family than by sharing lots of beer.

Plus you get to tell the guy at the keg store that you're getting the keg for your child's first birthday party. I assure you, the look you'll get is priceless.

Crane Hijinx

A very large crane was recently erected outside my office window about a block away. I would estimate that I spend a good two hours per week watching this crane. It's so close that I can even see the crane operator up in his little control box. As I've been watching the crane over the past few weeks I have found my myself thinking of all of the awesome stuff I would do if I were crane operator. My ideas are pretty much limitless but I've narrowed it down to give you Paul's Crane Hijinx:

• I would make a bunch of water balloons the night before my first day as crane operator. Then I would load them into a backpack. I'd take my backpack up there as if it were my lunch and then after a while I'd start lobbing them down at people on the ground. I can picture the scene with people scurrying for cover. I suspect that I'd find this to be quite entertaining.
• When there was any kind of issue that required a group of workers to focus on a singular task I would most definitely lower the crane hook down to ground level. Then very slowly I'd sneak it on over to the group of focused workers where I would tap one of the guys on the shoulder. I'm not sure how other crane operators operate but I would be the coolest crane operator ever. When Worker Guy turned around to see what's up he would only find my crane hook! Ahhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahhahaha!
• My most elaborate crane hijinx would require some help. First I would BEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP Nextel a couple of the cooler ground guys and I would profer a great way to play a prank on someone. They would BEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP Nextel me back and say that they're in. Then I would BEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP Nextel them back and explain that they need to take some heavy duty cables and lay them under the Honeybucket. Then when somebody goes into said Honeybucket for a deuce they BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP Nextel me and I swing my crane into action. The guys would quietly grab the cables and secure them to my crane hook at which point I would slowly lift the Honeybucket into the air. I'm quite certain that Guy Taking a Deuce would hear the laughter and commotion outside. So he'd peek his head out the door only to find that he's taking a crap 80 feet in the air. I don't care who you are, that's just plain funny!
• As crane operator I promise that every single time I'd have to pee I will pee right off of my crane. I honestly can't think of many things that sound funnier than witnessing a crane operator take a piss off of his crane in broad daylight. And I would do this EVERY TIME I HAD TO PEE...and even sometimes when I only sort of had to pee.
• I have noticed there are many times when the crane is not needed and Crane Operator Guy just sits up there. As crane operator I would definitely take catnaps up in the crane. I love catnaps. I might even shut off my Nextel just because I'm a badass.
• I would take binoculars up to my crane operator booth and in my abundant spare time I would scan the surrounding office buildings. The moment I spotted someone watching me I would immediately moon them. And if I was in a good mood I might even make my butt cheeks talk like when Ace Ventura's talking to Tone Loc.
• In addition to binoculars I would also really like to get a bullhorn up there with me. Can you imagine all the stuff you could pull with a bullhorn up in a crane? My oh my. Por ejemplo: "Hey, nice park job asshole!" "Hey buddy, nice spinners on your 1989 Dodge Caravan!" "I bet you get a free bowl of soup with that hat...oh...it looks good on you though!" "Cock...balls...cock...balls...cock...balls...cock...balls...(just to see how people would react to hearing it said from the heavens - if you don't see the humor in that then please leave.)" "That lady with the nice cans in the red dress is a jaywalker! I repeat: Nice Cans Red Dress Lady is a jaywalker!!!!!"
• I would also hang signs from my crane. Funny stuff like: "For a Good Time Call Lesley Hartman: 206-794-0921" or "Jason Brough sucks balls at darts" or "Don't forget the windshield wiper!" or "Save gas, fart in a jar."

If you think of any other amusing ideas for amusing crane hijinx please email me at: paulsamusings@gmail.com. If enough ideas come in I might create another post on this topic.

Hate

Hate is a strong word. I consciously try to limit my use of the word. Then, when I say it people know that I mean business. Now that you know that you should know that I hate Kathy Lee Griffin more than anyone in the world. I hate her face. I hate her sick red hair. I hate her voice. I hate her body. I hate her boobs. I hate her ears. I hate her nose. I can't stand to look at her for even one second.

I can not figure out how this ugly annoying wench could ever be allowed on A television let alone have a long career in show business. She ruins my Bravo viewing experience completely. I often DVR The West Wing as its one of my favorite shows. At every commercial break this sick, redhead, fingernails on the chalkboard, gross, disgusting, redhead, annoying, loud, ugly, ugly, UGLY, gross, redhead, annoying, disgrace of a famous person is in my face. At first glance it scares me and then I yell like I'm a dork at a Duke game in hopes that I won't hear her. Then I start pushing all the buttons on the remote to get her red face and voice out of my life as quickly as possible. One glance at her literally alters my mood. That is how negatively she has impacted my life.

I hate her so much that she even completely ruined an episode of Seinfeld for me. I will not watch the episode with her making fun of Jerry bit under any circumstances. It makes me want to break my TV and end my life.

Bravo recently raped my face with a commercial for her new stand up show called, "She'll Cut a Bitch." This made me feel two things:

1. Like I just got raped in the face.
2. I wish someone would cut that redheaded bitch.

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. Get her off the TV. And when did bitch stop being a curse word? My mom would've slapped my face if I said, "That redheaded bitch is ugly!" when I was 12 years old. When did that stop?

Now I'm all pissed off and all for your entertainment. I need some TUMS.