Potty Talk

Whether it registers in your consciousness or not, everyone evaluates just about everything. As we plow through life we evaluate the food we eat, the music we hear and the people we encounter. Each person, consciously or unconsciously, has certain criteria that they use to evaluate things. For example some people are very particular about the texture of their food, others prefer a woman with a huge set of cans and some evaluate all baseball players based on the greatness of Ken Griffey, Jr.

The reason I bring this up is because I'm quite awesome at evaluating stuff. I regularly out-order my wife when we go out to dinner. I ALWAYS evaluate little league baseball talent and draft better than the other coaches at the pre-draft workouts. And I recently came up with the best dump evaluation system in history. I originally debuted The Five Star Dump criteria back in the January 9 x Awesome post but don't feel that I took the time to properly elaborate. If you haven't read this previously, it will change your whole perspective on shit. I give you...

The Five Star Dump

• Star #1: The dump is taken in a preferred bathroom. This obviously depends on personal preference, but it could be your favorite bathroom at home, the best stall at work (i.e. the always glorious handicap stall) or even a spotless & spacious public facility. The bottom line is that you need to be comfortable to have a truly enjoyable poo.

• Star #2: The dump is nice and effortless...and obviously diarrhea-free.

• Star #3: The toilet paper MUST be put on correctly in an "over the top" fashion (more on this later) and it MUST be of satisfactory quality.

• Star #4 & 5: Quality entertainment. This is the most subjective aspect of the criteria but really makes or breaks a good dump. The quality of your entertainment determines whether your dump is Four or Five Star worthy. For me, having a brand new Sports Guy column is a surefire way to earn stars #4 and 5. Some other examples of excellent dumping entertainment are: a new magazine, a good book, finding something interesting on the Internet or dominating a fun game on your phone or Gameboy (you can't have a Five Star Dump if you don't win). And the most glorious, and rare, dumping entertainment is having a TV in the bathroom (we stayed at THE Hotel in Vegas for my bachelor party and each bathroom had a flat screen TV mounted on the wall - how is this not more prevalent in our society?).

Ever since The Five Star Dump criteria was first published it has become a national phenomenon (well...three states anyway). I've been getting regular texts and emails saying things like, "I'm in the middle of a ***** Dump!!!" or "I can't win solitaire. DAMMIT! Four stars." This feedback always gives me a feeling of pride and jubilation like watching my daughter take her first steps...or when she began laughing at farts. I even had this particularly amusing series of texts with my buddy Sully:

Sully: * (thanks Mexico for creating such agreeable food!)

Me: Bummer. Was the * for the TP being on right?

Sully: Yup...

Me: Well that is one shitty shit!

Sully: Tell me about it...I put up orange cones and yellow caution tape in front of the door.

In addition to the positive feedback I've also received a few particularly disturbing reports of dumps ruined due to improper toilet paper installation. Hearing such tales truly pains me because there are not many worse feelings than reaching for the loose end of toilet paper before finally coming to the realization that you will never find the loose end because someone put the roll on wrong. If you don't know how to properly install a roll of toilet paper then I would like you to examine the following diagrams:

The diagrams should have made this abundantly clear, but just in case you don't understand I'll break it down for you: putting the toilet paper on so the lose end faces the wall and drops down behind and underneath the roll is wrong. It should be illegal and punishable with jail time and a fine. If you are a person who installs a roll of toilet paper in this manner then you fall into one of two categories:

1. You are a stupid idiot who can't grasp how toilet paper works. You are a waste of space and resources and you are a general drain on society. If you were born in a third world country or earlier in history you would already be dead thanks to natural selection. There is no rational or logical explanation for your behavior and you don't even know what any of this means.
2. You are an inconsiderate asshole who's in such a rush that you can't take even one half of one second to look at the new roll of TP and put it on correctly. Everyone wishes you would simply disappear as your life has been a complete waste and you are pretty much the exact opposite of George Bailey. You suck and everyone hates you.

There are no other options and I will not argue about this.

We deal with so many complex issues these days that it's nice when we can come together and agree on anything, let alone something so important. At least now we can all agree on how to evaluate a good dump and how to properly install toilet paper.