The Bobby Ayala

If you are a Seattle Mariners fan like me, you know who Bobby Ayala is. For those of you who aren't familiar (and also for my amusement) Bobby Ayala was a relief pitcher and occasional closer for Mariners back in the '90s and he sucked huge hairy sweaty donkey balls. When he came into a game, things got worse. Immediately. It was particularly painful to have an Ayala experience thrust upon you when the Mariners had a lead late in the game. The team would go through all this work to get a lead during the first seven or eight innings and then Ayala would come in and inevitably blow it. And he would typically blow it up like a volcano which always left me with a sour taste in my mouth. And also extremely pissed off that he just blew the entire night.


The reason I bring Ayala up is because a few years back my friend Hank and I were chatting and Hank tossed out the premise that Gin is the worst possible alcohol to take a shot of (I know you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I can't figure out any other way to word that sentence that doesn't make me sound like I'm from 200 years ago). We later agreed that the double shot of house Gin would be the ideal prescription to get someone to throw up at the tail end of a night of drinking.


This discussion led us to take the double shot of house Gin out for a couple test drives with a few drunken and chirpy friends. After a few laps the results were unequivocal and it was decided that it was full proof and a name was needed. By now you know that this kind of thing is right up my alley and I quickly came up with the official name: the Bobby Ayala.




The official definition of the Bobby Ayala: in the Seattle area a double shot of house Gin has come to be called The Bobby Ayala. Just as he used to ruin a perfectly good night of baseball entertainment, a liquid Bobby Ayala is sure to do the same for a nice night of drinking. It is almost guaranteed to end up on the sidewalk and is the perfect remedy for a slightly obnoxious drinking buddy.

9 x Awesome:

It's the middle of winter, the weather sucks, the economy REALLY sucks, I think we are at war with one or more countries or people or ideas or something, I got a flat tire on the freeway last week at 6:55am on the way to work (super fun), and to top it all off the rapidly improving Sonics are still hijacked and playing in Oklahoma City.

"So what's your point Jerk Store" you ask?

My point is that it's pretty easy to feel a little down right now. Since being down sucks balls, here are some things that are awesome and are sure to improve your attitude:

1. Play-doh - having a daughter has gotten me back into Play-doh and frankly I can't believe how awesome it is. To think it's been missing from my life for 20+ years saddens me. I also can't come up with a reason why we didn't have a big stash of Play-doh at our house in college. The thought of drunken Play-doh makes me giddy.
   
2. March Madness - it's only January, yet I'm already getting excited for the NCAA Tournament.
   
3. The Five Star Dump - this is a dump taken at work when you get the handicapped stall (star #1), the toilet paper has been put on correctly in an "over the top" fashion (star #2 and also a topic worthy of it's own post. Hmmm...), it's a nice comfortable and obviously diarrhea-less poo (star #3) and last but not least, you have a brand new Sports Guy column to read (star #4 plus a bonus star making it a vaunted 5 Star Dump). If you haven't experienced one, I could not recommend a Five Star Dump more highly.
   
4. The fact that Lloyd Free changed his name to World B. Free in 1980 - he was also an AWESOME basketball player averaging over 20 a game for his career peaking with a 30-4-4 season in 1979-80.
   
5. That I'm NOT an accountant this time of year.
   
6. Whiskey.
7. The Mariners offseason - we signed Chone Figgins, we traded for Cliff Lee, got rid of fat turd Carlos Silva (it doesn't even matter who we got for him but...) for Milton Bradley (who is a good player when healthy and not crazy), extended Franklin Gutierrez, traded for Casey Kotchman and re-signed Felix Hernandez. Now go get Ben Sheets and find another hitter and we may have a legit shot at the playoffs...which is nice.
   
8. Turd Ferguson
9. Laughing at farts - literally every single time I fart my daughter says, "daddy toot!" and then laughs hysterically. My wife then gets mad which makes us both laugh even harder. Farting is so funny. I also love the fact that babies think farting is hilarious which proves that farting is inherently funny.