The Homeowners Association

We live in an awesome neighborhood that happens to be governed by a Homeowners Association (HOA). Our HOA has an Internet group set up that contains our bylaws, forms, contact information and what not. It allows the neighborhood to schedule HOA meetings and generally keeps everyone organized and in touch. It's a pretty handy tool actually. The Internet group also allows members to email the entire neighborhood...

I think the best way to sum up the neighborhood emails would be: insanity. In the year we have lived in our neighborhood I would wager that I've received around 700 neighborhood emails. Approximately six of those emails were from men while the other 694 were from women.

I'll share a few of the actual emails that have been sent TO THE ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD over the past year. These are actual emails word for word. I have also highlighted my contributions in bold:

Subject: TOY STORY 3

• Brenda: HI, A few of us our planning to go to a matinee to see Toy Story 3 this Thursday since it looks like it might be another rainy day. So if anyone else would like to join us please let me know what time works best. There is a 3-D version at 10:15am and 1pm and a regular version at 10:45am, 11:30 and 1:30. The 10:15 or 10:45 work good but we could go anytime. Looking forward to it!
• Jaime: We would lean towards the 1:00pm 3-D version, but can go with the majority. Looking forward to it as much as the kids!
• Jessica: The 10:15 or 10:45 work good but we could go anytime. Looking forward to it!
• Brenda: Should we plan to go to the 10:15 3-D version this Thursday?
• Emma: Thanks for the invite Brenda. I have to work tomorrow but enjoy and let us know how it is.
• Jaime: Sounds good. We will plan on buying ours online later this afternoon unless we hear differently.
• Brenda: I was wondering if we could move the time to the 1pm 3-D show , if this doesn't work out that's fine. John and Sam would be able to come too if we went to the later show but if it's going to hard to move the time we'll just plan to go to the 10:15am show. Thanks!
• Jessica: Go ahead and go to a later show. We have swim and another commitment tomorrow afternoon. (FIL just got out of hospital so we r going to visit) Mike and I will take Ross. I think mike would want to see it anyway. Thanks for trying to coordinate and thinking of us!
• Jaime: We can do 1:00pm.
• Brenda: We're on for the 1pm show.
• Lori: Great - Want to carpool? I can drive. Cheers!
• Me: Hi everybody!
• Brenda: I have some errands to run in that area so I still need to drive. Thanks for the offer.
• Kristin: Thanks for the invite! We took our kids yesterday, but keep us in mind for next time. Best
• Sara: Sounds like a lot of fun. We have other plans already on Thursday right now, but if our plans fall through, we would love to join you.

Subject: TARP TENT IN THE GREENBELT

• Andrea: Hi neighbors,I hiked up the greenbelt trail yesterday and was surprised to see several tarps strung up shelter-style about a third of the way up, to the right of the trail facing the ravine. There was a bag of stuff, and a shovel, and it looked like someone had been digging a large square shallow hole several feet wide. I also saw a couple pieces of wood charcoal on the trail near that site.Did our neighborhood kids do this? Or do we have other people visiting (hopefully not living in) our greenbelt?I am all for kids playing in the woods -- I grew up doing so, and I am glad we have a safe and natural area our kids can play. However, It is important to me to keep the human impacts minimized. A small fort made from natural materials would be fine, but this one is really big and obvious and plastic and I feel it spoils the natural beauty of the trail. And I am very concerned that someone is having fires up there.I would like to see the board take action on this, including taking down the tarps and clearing out the shovel and whatever other stuff is in that area (if no one in neighborhood claims them and does so soon). I'm glad to pitch in to do so - I just didn't want to do so unilaterally without getting more info first.I would also like to ask the board to spearhead writing some language into our bylaws/guidelines forbidding non-board-sanctioned fires or built structures in our common areas (to be written in such a way to allow for the annual pig roast of course).What are other people's thoughts?Best
• Ann: Hi Kristen and Neighbors, Could you clarify what the greenbelt trail is? Are we talking the trail who's trailhead starts by the Thompson's backyard fence and goes up the hill? From your e-mail I'm more concerned there are strangers living up the trail and building fires. Sounds very suspicious and unsettling. If it's not anyone from our neighborhood, should we report it to the police? Thoughts?
• Cathy: I know that some of the neighborhood kids have built forts in the woods. My kids said they left a shovel up there and will retrieve it today. I don't think we have any worries about strangers. We just have some amazing and innovative kids that live in our neighborhood and love adventure. Maybe the kids could help the adults find a nice spot for the pig roast that is not in the park. Kids often have great ideas and have strong work ethics that could spearhead the effort.I do like the idea of a natural looking fort in the woods. Maybe we could find some plans and the kids could send the last few weeks of summer working on it.
• Andrea: If the neighborhood agrees it is OK to build something up in the woods, then I don't see the problem. Honestly, my main concerns were fires and squatters. I would like to keep any more "major" forts away from the main trail, just to preserve the experience of the lovely natural environment we have up there, for trail walkers. Do others agree?
  If the parents of the fort-making kids wanted to help them find a safe and accessible place to build a fort that is out of sight from both houses and trail, and provide a little guidance to help them plan a fort that is not too destructive to the landscape, that might be a good compromise. Would this be OK with others? Plus it would make the fort that much more "secret," which as far as I can remember was one of the top criteria for a really good fort.
  I know Steve (our son) has been interested in building a fort in our yard -- it would be fun for him and Drew to help with one in the woods. Which makes me think, it would be nice if the fort was known as a neighborhood play zone and not a place that some kids would "own" and exclude others from accessing (except as part of normal pretend/play).
  When I was a kid, there was this fabulous tree in a woods near our neighborhood that all the kids would eventually learn to climb. Different kids had built platforms and perches in its upper branches, and each generation of kids would have the fun of discovering this little world, and adding their own mark. It would be so great to have that kind of place for our kids. I like the pig roast in the park! It is one of those things that make this a unique and fun place to live. Don't move it! Best
• Me: Dear Neighbors, Every morning I wake up at 4:30am and I run up the trail. Super fast. At the top I do 1,000 push ups. Then I sprint back down to the bottom. Then I run back up to the top again where I do 1,000 crunches. This is how I maintain my statuesque body. I run past the fort four times per day (albeit at an Olympic sprinters pace) and I think it is pretty cool. It does, however, bother me that the fort is only one story. It definitely should be a minimum of two stories. This fact greatly disappoints me. So much so that I would be willing to volunteer my time to draft up some concept sketches for the fort remodel in the works. Although I have no formal (or informal) training in engineering or architecture I am confident that my ides will be grand. In the meantime I suggest that we begin to accumulate supplies. We'll need a lot of wood and lots of nails. This also might be a good opportunity for the kids to learn how to use a nail gun if anyone has an air compressor. Yours very truly, Paul

Subject: CAUTION

• Sara: Hey Neighbors, Just a quick warning as you drive in and out of the neighborhood: watch out for a group of little Hispanic boys who are about 4 or five years old that are riding their bikes (no helmets) around our neighborhood. They come down the hill at break neck speeds without stopping at intersections or yielding to cars. They have also been in our park and sadly also the bioswale. They are completely unsupervised. Several of us moms have talked to them and called the police who have also talked to them. The police say there is nothing more they can do and that their parents probably aren't even home. So please be aware they are around and drive very cautiously. It would be a tragedy if one of us accidentally hit them.
• Cathy: Thank for the heads up. Has anyone called CPS? If the parents are neglectful, we may have an obligation to report it. Thanks again!
• Anita: No wonder...I drove home and got on my driveway seeing some stranger kids speeding the bike towards my van. I really think that we need a SCP sign in front of our neighborhood right beside the bus shelter or around the corner of the wood fence. The purpose is not just for preventing others use our park(Most development do have a sign as "private part for the residents and their guests") but for letting people aware this is a private property. It's fine letting those kids play in the park but the clear sign could make them be aware of the boundary and be respectful to others' community.
• Me: (I honestly didn't even have the stones to chime in on this one. Really? They are going to call CPS because some kids are riding their bikes? Really? Why not just spray them with the hose?)

Subject: Water Heater Issues?

• Jessica: Hello Neighbors,Did anyone else get a luke warm/cold shower this morning after yesterday's water shut-off episode? We turned our water heater off (as the form suggested) and back on around 6:00 last night. Still no HOT water. Anyone have thoughts? Also, I'm curious to know if you (or the prior owner if you know) have replaced your water heater? The tax credit runs though next year and provides ~ 30% discount on tank-less. I figure we'd wait that long to see if this one goes and consider our options. Thanks so much!
• Mia: I had a none-too-warm shower as well this AM, but I often do -- our water heater is original to the house and it was looked at last spring and pronounced "on its last legs".
  I'm wondering though if maybe the heater needs a full 24 hrs or something to fully get the heat back in the water??? We need to replace it in the not too distant future. Does anyone use a water heater insulating blanket in the winter? I've read that they are useful for older water heaters. Cheerio
• Me: Our water heater is also the original and my shower this morning was nice and hot. I had to turn on the fan in the bathroom because it got all steamy.
• Jessica: Trying to make me jealous are you? :)

A Deep Discussion on Drinking

My buddy Murch and I were going back and forth with some text messages the other night. Each of us happened to be enjoying a few drinks alone and we were discussing seven or eight different topics. I thought I'd share one particular thread as it turned out to be quite amusing:

8:01:22 pm - Me: How much is too much to drink alone? I'm thinking I'll have two Jim Rome's and then move on to a few Jim Beam & Diet Coke's.

8:01:36 pm - Murch: As long as you can pour them without spilling you're golden.

9:38:11 pm - Me: I just spilled but it was. Only a little.

9:38:37 pm - Murch: Spills only count if its the whole fucking glass.

There is a lot of awesomeness going on here. I love the fact that it took Murch only 14 seconds to read my text and reply with such wisdom. I was also very amused that in roughly an hour and a half I drank enough to start spilling and texting erratically. In particular I enjoyed the accidental period in the middle of my text at 9:38:11 pm. The topper for me was the rationale and well placed F-Bomb in Murch's final text. Upon reading it I definitely spit a little of my drink all over our computer.

Potty Talk

Whether it registers in your consciousness or not, everyone evaluates just about everything. As we plow through life we evaluate the food we eat, the music we hear and the people we encounter. Each person, consciously or unconsciously, has certain criteria that they use to evaluate things. For example some people are very particular about the texture of their food, others prefer a woman with a huge set of cans and some evaluate all baseball players based on the greatness of Ken Griffey, Jr.

The reason I bring this up is because I'm quite awesome at evaluating stuff. I regularly out-order my wife when we go out to dinner. I ALWAYS evaluate little league baseball talent and draft better than the other coaches at the pre-draft workouts. And I recently came up with the best dump evaluation system in history. I originally debuted The Five Star Dump criteria back in the January 9 x Awesome post but don't feel that I took the time to properly elaborate. If you haven't read this previously, it will change your whole perspective on shit. I give you...

The Five Star Dump

• Star #1: The dump is taken in a preferred bathroom. This obviously depends on personal preference, but it could be your favorite bathroom at home, the best stall at work (i.e. the always glorious handicap stall) or even a spotless & spacious public facility. The bottom line is that you need to be comfortable to have a truly enjoyable poo.

• Star #2: The dump is nice and effortless...and obviously diarrhea-free.

• Star #3: The toilet paper MUST be put on correctly in an "over the top" fashion (more on this later) and it MUST be of satisfactory quality.

• Star #4 & 5: Quality entertainment. This is the most subjective aspect of the criteria but really makes or breaks a good dump. The quality of your entertainment determines whether your dump is Four or Five Star worthy. For me, having a brand new Sports Guy column is a surefire way to earn stars #4 and 5. Some other examples of excellent dumping entertainment are: a new magazine, a good book, finding something interesting on the Internet or dominating a fun game on your phone or Gameboy (you can't have a Five Star Dump if you don't win). And the most glorious, and rare, dumping entertainment is having a TV in the bathroom (we stayed at THE Hotel in Vegas for my bachelor party and each bathroom had a flat screen TV mounted on the wall - how is this not more prevalent in our society?).

Ever since The Five Star Dump criteria was first published it has become a national phenomenon (well...three states anyway). I've been getting regular texts and emails saying things like, "I'm in the middle of a ***** Dump!!!" or "I can't win solitaire. DAMMIT! Four stars." This feedback always gives me a feeling of pride and jubilation like watching my daughter take her first steps...or when she began laughing at farts. I even had this particularly amusing series of texts with my buddy Sully:

Sully: * (thanks Mexico for creating such agreeable food!)

Me: Bummer. Was the * for the TP being on right?

Sully: Yup...

Me: Well that is one shitty shit!

Sully: Tell me about it...I put up orange cones and yellow caution tape in front of the door.

In addition to the positive feedback I've also received a few particularly disturbing reports of dumps ruined due to improper toilet paper installation. Hearing such tales truly pains me because there are not many worse feelings than reaching for the loose end of toilet paper before finally coming to the realization that you will never find the loose end because someone put the roll on wrong. If you don't know how to properly install a roll of toilet paper then I would like you to examine the following diagrams:

The diagrams should have made this abundantly clear, but just in case you don't understand I'll break it down for you: putting the toilet paper on so the lose end faces the wall and drops down behind and underneath the roll is wrong. It should be illegal and punishable with jail time and a fine. If you are a person who installs a roll of toilet paper in this manner then you fall into one of two categories:

1. You are a stupid idiot who can't grasp how toilet paper works. You are a waste of space and resources and you are a general drain on society. If you were born in a third world country or earlier in history you would already be dead thanks to natural selection. There is no rational or logical explanation for your behavior and you don't even know what any of this means.
2. You are an inconsiderate asshole who's in such a rush that you can't take even one half of one second to look at the new roll of TP and put it on correctly. Everyone wishes you would simply disappear as your life has been a complete waste and you are pretty much the exact opposite of George Bailey. You suck and everyone hates you.

There are no other options and I will not argue about this.

We deal with so many complex issues these days that it's nice when we can come together and agree on anything, let alone something so important. At least now we can all agree on how to evaluate a good dump and how to properly install toilet paper.

Paul's Amusings is Big Time!

As a Paul's Amusings follower you surely have deep and sincere appreciation for the awesomeness of this blog. Since we are all innately searching for affirmation of our self worth in some way I wanted to give each of you a little pat on the behind.

A few years back, the author of this amazing blog (me) was having a few tasty beverages one night and happened to drunk email the world famous Sports Guy. The Sports Guy found my email to be so amusing that he wound up including it in one of his "mailbag" columns. Not only did the column appear on ESPN.com but it was also in the July 16, 2007 issue of ESPN The Magazine.




And to put chocolate syrup on the ice cream the email earned the coveted spot as the last email of the column which, if you read The Sports Guy you know, is the coolest spot because it gets the, "Yup, these are my readers" response.

At this point you are likely asking, "What the hell is going on? I thought this guy was going to give me a pat on the behind?" Its quite simple really: this is another example of how I am awesome. And since you like me, that means you have excellent taste. Congratulations!

The Old Switch A Roo

This old story has come up a few times recently and its too good not to share. Back in college my buddy Hank did a study abroad program for a year along with a group of about 30 classmates over in Florence, Italy. As they began traveling all over Europe, sharing many experiences together and drinking a ton the group of students became quite close. As you can imagine, a few relationships developed as well.

One such relationship was between one of Hank's buddies and a lovely lady in the group. As time passed it became commonplace for these two to rendezvous back at his room after a night out.

One time, after a day of traveling and drinking, this exact scenario transpired and Hank's buddy (heretofore referred to as Buddy) and Lovely Lady (heretofore referred to as...Lovely Lady) rendezvoused back at Buddy's room. At this point certain consensual acts transpired that won't be mentioned here. What will be mentioned, however, is that these certain consensual acts transpired in Buddy's roommate's bed (no, Buddy's roommate was not in the bed...nor was he in the room watching...you pervert)! Apparently Buddy thought doing it in his roommate's bed was really funny (that's because it is!!!). Upon wrapping things up both Buddy and Lovely Lady passed out in roommate's bed.

Later that night Buddy woke up. To himself pissing the bed.

(Take a moment to let that soak in. Get it? "Soak in" Ha ha! Thank you. Thank you.)

Summarizing things to this point: Buddy has hooked up with Lovely Lady, passed out and pissed all over himself and Lovely Lady. ALL IN HIS ROOMMATE'S BED! Yet the story somehow gets better...because what did Buddy do when he realized that he and Lovely Lady were passed out in his roommate's bed full of his own urine? Naturally he got up, cleaned himself off, hopped in his own clean bed and went right back to sleep. A few hours later Lovely Lady woke up laying in a piss soaked bed having no earthly idea what happened.

If I were somehow able to get myself into this predicament I'm quite certain I wouldn't have had the wherewithal (or is it courage? Bravado? Intestinal fortitude?) to simply get out of bed, clean up and go back to sleep in my own bed while leaving Lovely Lady laying in my roommate's bed that I just wet. No way.

Lucky for us all, I'm not the character in this story because Buddy didn't end the charade by fessing up and apologizing. Ohhh no! He proceeded to blame Lovely Lady for wetting his roommate's bed and angrily dismissed her from the room. She apologized profusely and left the room in shame. To this day Lovely Lady doesn't know that she didn't wet the bed.

I'm not sure about you, but I'm comforted knowing that there is someone out there like Buddy. Bravo, Buddy. Bravo.

Follow Paul's Amusings on Twitter

In typical Paul's Amusings fashion I've recently been messing around with Twitter about a year after everyone else. I'm beginning to really enjoy following certain Twitterers/Tweeters/Tweets/Twitters/Twits. I'm really not sure of the proper lingo. Anyway, you can now follow Paul's Amusings on Twitter. It's a great way for me to share quick amusings that aren't deep enough to cover with an entire blog post and also to keep you updated when there's a new posts on the blog.

To check it out just click on this sentence that you are reading right now.

Brilliance and Disappointment

I've been playing Beer Pong for years now. I have always greatly enjoyed the game as it combines two of my favorite activities: making shots, drinking beers, talking trash and competition. I bring it up because I've been playing Beer Pong for 10+ years at this point and I recently became extremely disappointed with myself because this awesome YouTube video was brought to my attention and I can't believe it never occurred to me to finish off a game with this brilliance:



Can you imagine being involved in a competitive game of Beer Pong at a house party in college? People are milling around the garage enjoying the competition and trash talk, the game is close and just as it gets down to where each team has one cup left it's your turn to shoot. You unassumingly take the ball and back up a few steps. Then just as all eyes focus on you trying to figure out what you're doing you take a few running steps, leap over the table and dunk home the winning shot while smashing the table to smithereens!

I can't believe I didn't think of this back in the day. It's pure genius. And this video is awesome! I had tears of laughter streaming down my face in my office as I watched it. And any video that brings me tears of joy, laughter and a dash of disappointment needs to be shared.

The Bobby Ayala

If you are a Seattle Mariners fan like me, you know who Bobby Ayala is. For those of you who aren't familiar (and also for my amusement) Bobby Ayala was a relief pitcher and occasional closer for Mariners back in the '90s and he sucked huge hairy sweaty donkey balls. When he came into a game, things got worse. Immediately. It was particularly painful to have an Ayala experience thrust upon you when the Mariners had a lead late in the game. The team would go through all this work to get a lead during the first seven or eight innings and then Ayala would come in and inevitably blow it. And he would typically blow it up like a volcano which always left me with a sour taste in my mouth. And also extremely pissed off that he just blew the entire night.


The reason I bring Ayala up is because a few years back my friend Hank and I were chatting and Hank tossed out the premise that Gin is the worst possible alcohol to take a shot of (I know you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but I can't figure out any other way to word that sentence that doesn't make me sound like I'm from 200 years ago). We later agreed that the double shot of house Gin would be the ideal prescription to get someone to throw up at the tail end of a night of drinking.


This discussion led us to take the double shot of house Gin out for a couple test drives with a few drunken and chirpy friends. After a few laps the results were unequivocal and it was decided that it was full proof and a name was needed. By now you know that this kind of thing is right up my alley and I quickly came up with the official name: the Bobby Ayala.




The official definition of the Bobby Ayala: in the Seattle area a double shot of house Gin has come to be called The Bobby Ayala. Just as he used to ruin a perfectly good night of baseball entertainment, a liquid Bobby Ayala is sure to do the same for a nice night of drinking. It is almost guaranteed to end up on the sidewalk and is the perfect remedy for a slightly obnoxious drinking buddy.

9 x Awesome:

It's the middle of winter, the weather sucks, the economy REALLY sucks, I think we are at war with one or more countries or people or ideas or something, I got a flat tire on the freeway last week at 6:55am on the way to work (super fun), and to top it all off the rapidly improving Sonics are still hijacked and playing in Oklahoma City.

"So what's your point Jerk Store" you ask?

My point is that it's pretty easy to feel a little down right now. Since being down sucks balls, here are some things that are awesome and are sure to improve your attitude:

1. Play-doh - having a daughter has gotten me back into Play-doh and frankly I can't believe how awesome it is. To think it's been missing from my life for 20+ years saddens me. I also can't come up with a reason why we didn't have a big stash of Play-doh at our house in college. The thought of drunken Play-doh makes me giddy.
   
2. March Madness - it's only January, yet I'm already getting excited for the NCAA Tournament.
   
3. The Five Star Dump - this is a dump taken at work when you get the handicapped stall (star #1), the toilet paper has been put on correctly in an "over the top" fashion (star #2 and also a topic worthy of it's own post. Hmmm...), it's a nice comfortable and obviously diarrhea-less poo (star #3) and last but not least, you have a brand new Sports Guy column to read (star #4 plus a bonus star making it a vaunted 5 Star Dump). If you haven't experienced one, I could not recommend a Five Star Dump more highly.
   
4. The fact that Lloyd Free changed his name to World B. Free in 1980 - he was also an AWESOME basketball player averaging over 20 a game for his career peaking with a 30-4-4 season in 1979-80.
   
5. That I'm NOT an accountant this time of year.
   
6. Whiskey.
7. The Mariners offseason - we signed Chone Figgins, we traded for Cliff Lee, got rid of fat turd Carlos Silva (it doesn't even matter who we got for him but...) for Milton Bradley (who is a good player when healthy and not crazy), extended Franklin Gutierrez, traded for Casey Kotchman and re-signed Felix Hernandez. Now go get Ben Sheets and find another hitter and we may have a legit shot at the playoffs...which is nice.
   
8. Turd Ferguson
9. Laughing at farts - literally every single time I fart my daughter says, "daddy toot!" and then laughs hysterically. My wife then gets mad which makes us both laugh even harder. Farting is so funny. I also love the fact that babies think farting is hilarious which proves that farting is inherently funny.