Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Steve "Snapper" Jones Story

Back in college I was an intern for the Portland Trailblazers for about a year. There were some cool things about the arrangement: I helped Bonzi Wells film a bread commercial, I got to pass out sweatshirts to fans who were doused with red Gatorade after Bonzi Wells smashed the cooler into the crowd after being ejected from a game and Scottie Pippen took me for a ride at 150 mph in his brand new Mercedes.

There were also some fairly significant drawbacks. I didn't get paid. And I didn't actually do anything at all. The only responsibility I had was to cut out NBA related newspaper clippings from the sports page of each NBA city across the country, make copies and put them in a binder for GM Bob Whitsit. Yee Haw!

Anyway, one day I was in the offices at The Rose Garden and I was sitting there alone, cutting newspaper clippings for no money like a freaking moron. After an hour or two I left my office to go take a leak. When I arrived at the gloriously huge men's restroom at the Blazers offices there was not a soul in there. After my peaceful and relaxing wee wee I zipped up and walked to the sink to wash my hands. Yes, I'm a hand washer.

In order to appreciate this story you need to understand that back in the late 90's and early 00's Steve "Snapper" Jones and Bill Walton, who were both former greats, formed the most prominent television color analyst team in the NBA. They teamed up with Marv Albert to do many of the biggest games at that time. Unbeknownst to me The Snapper was based out of Portland and even had an office in the building.

Back to the story...just as I am finished washing my hands I see Steve "Snapper" Jones walk into the bathroom wearing an all grey Blazers sweatsuit. I even recall thinking at the time that it was kinda funny that I was in the pisser with Steve "Snapper" Jones. I finished my rinse and started pumping paper towels out of the dispenser. I dried my hands and just as I turned to head for the door...what do I see but Steve "Snapper" Jones taking a piss in the urinal with his sweat pants all the way down to his ankles and his HUGE black ass hanging out.

I did not take this discovery very well at all because - and I swear to God this is exactly what happened - I said in a very loud and disturbed voice, "GOD DAMMIT! PULL THAT SHIT UP MAN!" Then I calmly walked on out while shaking my head in disapproval.

It wasn't until I got back to my office that I became fully aware of how awesome it was that I had just cussed out Steve "Snapper" Jones for exposing his giant ass to me. Honestly, who does that?

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