Paul's Amusings is Big Time!

As a Paul's Amusings follower you surely have deep and sincere appreciation for the awesomeness of this blog. Since we are all innately searching for affirmation of our self worth in some way I wanted to give each of you a little pat on the behind.

A few years back, the author of this amazing blog (me) was having a few tasty beverages one night and happened to drunk email the world famous Sports Guy. The Sports Guy found my email to be so amusing that he wound up including it in one of his "mailbag" columns. Not only did the column appear on ESPN.com but it was also in the July 16, 2007 issue of ESPN The Magazine.




And to put chocolate syrup on the ice cream the email earned the coveted spot as the last email of the column which, if you read The Sports Guy you know, is the coolest spot because it gets the, "Yup, these are my readers" response.

At this point you are likely asking, "What the hell is going on? I thought this guy was going to give me a pat on the behind?" Its quite simple really: this is another example of how I am awesome. And since you like me, that means you have excellent taste. Congratulations!

The Old Switch A Roo

This old story has come up a few times recently and its too good not to share. Back in college my buddy Hank did a study abroad program for a year along with a group of about 30 classmates over in Florence, Italy. As they began traveling all over Europe, sharing many experiences together and drinking a ton the group of students became quite close. As you can imagine, a few relationships developed as well.

One such relationship was between one of Hank's buddies and a lovely lady in the group. As time passed it became commonplace for these two to rendezvous back at his room after a night out.

One time, after a day of traveling and drinking, this exact scenario transpired and Hank's buddy (heretofore referred to as Buddy) and Lovely Lady (heretofore referred to as...Lovely Lady) rendezvoused back at Buddy's room. At this point certain consensual acts transpired that won't be mentioned here. What will be mentioned, however, is that these certain consensual acts transpired in Buddy's roommate's bed (no, Buddy's roommate was not in the bed...nor was he in the room watching...you pervert)! Apparently Buddy thought doing it in his roommate's bed was really funny (that's because it is!!!). Upon wrapping things up both Buddy and Lovely Lady passed out in roommate's bed.

Later that night Buddy woke up. To himself pissing the bed.

(Take a moment to let that soak in. Get it? "Soak in" Ha ha! Thank you. Thank you.)

Summarizing things to this point: Buddy has hooked up with Lovely Lady, passed out and pissed all over himself and Lovely Lady. ALL IN HIS ROOMMATE'S BED! Yet the story somehow gets better...because what did Buddy do when he realized that he and Lovely Lady were passed out in his roommate's bed full of his own urine? Naturally he got up, cleaned himself off, hopped in his own clean bed and went right back to sleep. A few hours later Lovely Lady woke up laying in a piss soaked bed having no earthly idea what happened.

If I were somehow able to get myself into this predicament I'm quite certain I wouldn't have had the wherewithal (or is it courage? Bravado? Intestinal fortitude?) to simply get out of bed, clean up and go back to sleep in my own bed while leaving Lovely Lady laying in my roommate's bed that I just wet. No way.

Lucky for us all, I'm not the character in this story because Buddy didn't end the charade by fessing up and apologizing. Ohhh no! He proceeded to blame Lovely Lady for wetting his roommate's bed and angrily dismissed her from the room. She apologized profusely and left the room in shame. To this day Lovely Lady doesn't know that she didn't wet the bed.

I'm not sure about you, but I'm comforted knowing that there is someone out there like Buddy. Bravo, Buddy. Bravo.

The Eugene Bathroom Cookie Story

Soon after I began dating my wife we were invited down to Eugene, Oregon to stay with one of Wife's college teammates, Jamie, and to attend the Idaho vs. Oregon football game that Saturday. We arrived in Eugene late Friday night and had a few beers with Jamie and her family. Before we went to bed we were informed that we needed to be up and ready to leave at 7:45am.

The next morning at 7:45am sharp we headed for Autzen Stadium. Since Jamie's dad is a former Oregon basketball player he has many connections. After parking we walk over to where we are to hang out and we are welcomed into a great tailgate scene: beer, wine, drinks, shrimp, dip, chips, sandwiches, etc, etc, etc. Awesome.

After tailgating with some of the greatest people I've ever met for about three hours I come to realize that I've had many beers and I need to take a leak in the very near future. Lucky for me, Wife and Jamie needed to go as well so we headed over to the tailgate bathrooms located outside of Autzen Stadium, just for tailgaters. I found this to be a brilliant idea.

When we got to the bathrooms we split and headed to the ladies and men's room respectively. I was on my own as I got in line for the men's room to wait along with 80 other guys to get inside to take a leak. After three or four minutes we finally get just inside the door only to find that the line wraps all the way around the wall inside the bathroom. I'm down to my last Hams as I saunter around in line. This is when the magic began.

As soon as I got inside the men's room I notice that there is a huge, fresh and glorious looking chocolate chunk cookie resting right in the middle of the men's room floor.

After standing in line staring at this glorious cookie for what seemed like an eternity, something came over me. All of a sudden I gave an elbow to Random Guy standing in line next to me. Guy looks at me with disdain since this is the bathroom. I proceed to look Random Guy right in the eye, point to the glorious cookie and say, "You tell me that doesn't look like the best fucking cookie you've ever seen in your entire life." Now, if you will, please take a moment to digest the ramifications of my actions at this exact moment.

After looking at the cookie for a few moments Guy looked back at me and said, "That cookie looks fucking AWESOME!" This would be when we high fived and started pointing out Cookie to everyone else in line. This is also when my actions started to unify the bathroom patrons and the camaraderie exploded.

Just a few moments later, as a guy was exiting the bathroom he accidentally kicked Cookie right at me. What did I do? (No, you freak show, I did not eat Cookie.) I kicked urine soaked delicious looking Cookie across the bathroom floor.

Soon after, it was my turn to pee.

While peeing, Cookie continued to be kicked all over the bathroom floor. I even stopped a few shots on urinal during my pee. Upon finishing my business I began to exit the bathroom and at that exact moment Cookie was kicked past me...right in between a guys legs...and into a urinal!

At this point you need to keep in mind that Wife and I had only been dating for a matter of months and I had only met Jamie on a couple occasions. What happened next was a perfect match of cosmic forces and luck because I became a god. As soon as Cookie was kicked into that urinal I exploded with, "GGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!" And the entire bathroom followed suit in an eruption of, "GGGOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL!!!!!!!!" Then just as I was exiting the bathroom and everyone was yelling and shouting "GOOOAAALLL!!!" and high fiving me I got outside the men's room and Wife and Jamie were standing there looking right at me. The look of wonderment and amazement on their face was perhaps the best moment of my life. I'm quite certain they thought I was a ninja, a god and a miracle healer all rolled into one. Once I reached them they stood in silence for a moment before Wife said, "What did you do?" To which I replied, "There was a cookie...it's a long story."