The Most Amazing Thing I've Done

Since we are still getting to know each other I think it's time I open up a bit and share with you the single most amazing thing I've ever done in my entire life.

About six or seven years ago I went to the grocery store. (I bet your thinking, "Cool story Hansel." Well, not so fast my friend!) So I roll in and grab a basket - not a cart but the basket that you carry as I only needed a few things. I start shopping, grab a few things and I'm chucking them in my basket...yada yada yada...next thing I know I'm in the produce section. I'm walking through and notice that green peppers are on sale. I happen to love green peppers so I walk over, grab a bag and start rifling through the green peppers looking for the good ones. Keep in mind that at this exact moment I have the basket up around my left forearm and am holding the bag for the green peppers in my left hand. Meanwhile I'm using my right hand to search for the most awesome green peppers. I see a beauty on the right-hand side of the green pepper section that borders the yellow peppers. Just as I pick up said green pepper it loosens a bordering yellow pepper from the stack and this yellow pepper apparently wanted to get the hell out of dodge. This is when things escalated. Quickly.

So my left arm is unavoidably detained with the basket and bag o peppers and my right hand is holding a scrumtrelescent green pepper at the exact moment that a yellow pepper decides he's going to make a run for it...and head head towards the floor. Looking back on this situation it really wouldn't have been that big a deal if I had simply allowed this obviously oppressed yellow pepper to escape his hell of a life on the yellow pepper pile. But at the time, in my simple little mind, I was apparently Fidel Castro and I had to use any means necessary to prevent this defector yellow pepper from tasting the sweet air of freedom by hitting the floor. It was the most important thing in my life at that moment...and it was a very brief moment because this little bastard was quick! He was making a run for the border, not the actual border (nor Taco Bell for that matter) but the floor. And fast! And my hands were full so what did I do under pressure in the eighth of a second I had to assess and react to the situation?

The defector had already jumped off the pile and was headed for the floor so like a ninja I lifted my right foot and all in one motion cradled, controlled and then tossed the defector yellow pepper back up toward the homeland of his fellow yellow peppers where the defector yellow pepper nestled back EXACTLY IN THE SAME SPOT WHERE IT BEGAN!

Yeah, you read that correctly. I cradled the defector yellow pepper and gently tossed it back up and it rolled back up the pile and stopped exactly in the spot where it started WITH MY FOOT!

The crazy thing is that I happen to be blessed with the ability to instantly recognize greatness when I see it. And this was pure, unadulterated greatness. Thus, after performing this miracle I turned around to bask in the glory of my fellow shoppers who were all witnesses and who were undoubtedly preparing a celebration in my honor...only to find exactly ZERO people anywhere in sight. You should've seen the depressed and deflated look on my face. I imagine it to be priceless. But that's beside the point. Regardless, it was the most amazing thing I've ever done. So I've got that going for me...which is nice.