The Reasons Why I Hate Suzuki

I have a deep hatred for Ichiro Suzuki. Since you're undoubtedly on pins and needles wondering how someone who is both from Seattle and who loves baseball could hate Ichiro Suzuki let's cut through the crap and get right to it - two reasons:

1. Suzuki is blatantly more concerned with his personal statistics more than than helping the Mariners win. "What the hell is this idiot talking about, Ichiro gets 200 hits every year" you ask? Well, that's just great...for him. But the facts are that for the first 5 years of his MLB career he refused to play center field in spite of the fact the the Mariners needed to get more power hitting on the team more desperately than Ray Finkle needed the laces out. And in case you didn't notice right fielders are, by definition, power hitters. And to top it off the M's center field situation was and is known by baseball insiders as shit on a stick. So not only did/do the M's need a center fielder and not only would Suzuki be a great center fielder (which he was during his two gold glove seasons in center field before again refusing to play center field this year) but the M's also needed to add power to their lineup which would most easily be acquired in a right fielder. I'm already pissed off and I'm just getting going! In addition to Suzuki being blatantly unwilling to help his team improve by playing a position he is perfectly suited and capable of playing he has continually been remarkably selfish about his personal goal of accumulating hits. For some reason in this tiny little man's head he thinks that his sole purpose in life is to get hits as opposed to helping his team win baseball games. Any half educated baseball fan would admit that Suzuki is known for having great power in batting practice and its frequently mentioned by the media that "Ichiro could win The Home Run Derby if he wanted to." Well if that's the case and he has this ability to hit for power then why the hell, when the M's are annually among the most power challenged teams in all of baseball, would this little asshole continue to hit like a little cotton headed ninny muggins and slap singles all the time when the team clearly needs him to do more? In the name of Baby Jesus and his little golden fleece diapers why the hell hasn't Ichiro even tried hitting third in the order so he can drive in some runs with his magical power? Because he's a selfish asshole who only cares about accumulating hit totals. That's why. Oh (and this is the clincher on this subject) I have personally seen, with my own two eyes, Suzuki BUNT WITH TWO OUTS AND A Runner ON SECOND BASE. TWICE! For those who aren't baseball fans, a little sissy single scores the runner from second with two outs while a bunt is a low percentage play to get a hit for your self and your stats that will not score the runner from second base - and will bring up a worse hitter than Suzuki even if he does get his selfish butt on base...which he didn't either time. Dammit I'm fired up just thinking about this!
2. The other reason that I hate Suzuki is because it is racist that he gets to put his first name on his jersey and be called Ichiro by any and everyone when in this country you get your last name on your jersey - period. Why does he get to have Ichiro on the back of his jersey while Hideo Nomo can't have "Hideo"? Why doesn't So Taguchi get to just have "So" on the back of his jersey and be referred to as "So" by everyone? What about Hideki Matsui? How come he can't have "Godzilla" on his jersey? Is it because MLB doesn't let you put whatever the hell you want on the back of your jersey EXCEPT for Ichiro? Everyone calls David Ortiz "Big Papi" and it's a cultural thing in that he got his nickname from being the sage veteran presence and father figure in the clubhouse in Boston...you know, just like with Suzuki! This whole issue infuriates me and I can't understand how this is not a bigger deal. Anyway, I have officially taken to calling this selfish little asshole Suzuki and I strongly encourage each of you to do the same.

My buddy Kevin and I have made a pact that we are going to get together and celebrate with a 40 oz. the day that Suzuki finally gets traded...please let it be soon.