Crane Hijinx

A very large crane was recently erected outside my office window about a block away. I would estimate that I spend a good two hours per week watching this crane. It's so close that I can even see the crane operator up in his little control box. As I've been watching the crane over the past few weeks I have found my myself thinking of all of the awesome stuff I would do if I were crane operator. My ideas are pretty much limitless but I've narrowed it down to give you Paul's Crane Hijinx:

• I would make a bunch of water balloons the night before my first day as crane operator. Then I would load them into a backpack. I'd take my backpack up there as if it were my lunch and then after a while I'd start lobbing them down at people on the ground. I can picture the scene with people scurrying for cover. I suspect that I'd find this to be quite entertaining.
• When there was any kind of issue that required a group of workers to focus on a singular task I would most definitely lower the crane hook down to ground level. Then very slowly I'd sneak it on over to the group of focused workers where I would tap one of the guys on the shoulder. I'm not sure how other crane operators operate but I would be the coolest crane operator ever. When Worker Guy turned around to see what's up he would only find my crane hook! Ahhhhhhhhhhh hahahahahhahaha!
• My most elaborate crane hijinx would require some help. First I would BEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP Nextel a couple of the cooler ground guys and I would profer a great way to play a prank on someone. They would BEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP Nextel me back and say that they're in. Then I would BEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP Nextel them back and explain that they need to take some heavy duty cables and lay them under the Honeybucket. Then when somebody goes into said Honeybucket for a deuce they BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPP Nextel me and I swing my crane into action. The guys would quietly grab the cables and secure them to my crane hook at which point I would slowly lift the Honeybucket into the air. I'm quite certain that Guy Taking a Deuce would hear the laughter and commotion outside. So he'd peek his head out the door only to find that he's taking a crap 80 feet in the air. I don't care who you are, that's just plain funny!
• As crane operator I promise that every single time I'd have to pee I will pee right off of my crane. I honestly can't think of many things that sound funnier than witnessing a crane operator take a piss off of his crane in broad daylight. And I would do this EVERY TIME I HAD TO PEE...and even sometimes when I only sort of had to pee.
• I have noticed there are many times when the crane is not needed and Crane Operator Guy just sits up there. As crane operator I would definitely take catnaps up in the crane. I love catnaps. I might even shut off my Nextel just because I'm a badass.
• I would take binoculars up to my crane operator booth and in my abundant spare time I would scan the surrounding office buildings. The moment I spotted someone watching me I would immediately moon them. And if I was in a good mood I might even make my butt cheeks talk like when Ace Ventura's talking to Tone Loc.
• In addition to binoculars I would also really like to get a bullhorn up there with me. Can you imagine all the stuff you could pull with a bullhorn up in a crane? My oh my. Por ejemplo: "Hey, nice park job asshole!" "Hey buddy, nice spinners on your 1989 Dodge Caravan!" "I bet you get a free bowl of soup with that hat...oh...it looks good on you though!" "Cock...balls...cock...balls...cock...balls...cock...balls...(just to see how people would react to hearing it said from the heavens - if you don't see the humor in that then please leave.)" "That lady with the nice cans in the red dress is a jaywalker! I repeat: Nice Cans Red Dress Lady is a jaywalker!!!!!"
• I would also hang signs from my crane. Funny stuff like: "For a Good Time Call Lesley Hartman: 206-794-0921" or "Jason Brough sucks balls at darts" or "Don't forget the windshield wiper!" or "Save gas, fart in a jar."

If you think of any other amusing ideas for amusing crane hijinx please email me at: paulsamusings@gmail.com. If enough ideas come in I might create another post on this topic.